Surprises

Look what Sam found flying around our screened in porch yesterday:

It is a Gulf Fritillary. I think it hatched from a cocoon on our kiddy picnic table, which had been outside for quite a while. We brought it in for Maya to paint on the other day. It was so cool to see this very fresh specimen up close. The spots on the underwing that look white were actually silver, like they were drawn on with metallic paint. Beautiful.

I got a box in the mail today, and was thinking it was my mom's birthday present for Erik. I was surprised that it was adressed to me. When I got it open I saw this necklace:

necklace by jessiedriscoll

I've had a similar necklace on my Etsy favorites for quite some time. My sister sent it to me as a congratulatory gift for passing the lactation exam! So awesome of her, I have to go call her!

Sad and humorous scenes from a sick at home weekend

First the sad: poor Sam awoke early on Saturday morning, ran into our room, and complaining of a headache. He was burning up. He slept most of Saturday, preferring to sleep on the floor in the family room where we spent the day rather than in the comfort of his bed. The saddest sight was him, asleep on the floor, with his head on a board game that Maya and I had just played.

He perked up around 8 pm and worriedly said "I haven't worked on my math facts!" He did his flash cards for a bit then, even though I told him it was ok. He's also sad that he won't have perfect attendance this year. On Sunday he asked Erik how long a person could go without eating. My poor baby.

He's still hot and miserable today. Yesterday he told us that he felt like he was burning up, and that having a fever made him feel like he had no brain. We went to the doctor today and he started amoxil; hopefully he'll be fever free tomorrow, and then ready to return to school on Thursday.

And for the humorous: is there anything funnier than an eight year old listening to an ipod, singing When I'm 64, Tax Man, and all the Lonely People aloud? I think not.

A few things to share

• A few weeks ago I read this wonderful article on Etsy. Then this post of sculptures was shared on the Craftzine blog, and I got hooked on her blog. Her work is astounding, she creates in every medium imaginable, and the statements her work makes just blow me away. I just ordered a copy of this print, and can't wait to hang it up to remind me that my dreams are Within Reach. Oh, and what I was really wanting to point out, this amazing piece that she just installed in a gallery in LA.

• Here's more art, this time created by children affected by Hurricane Katrina. Incredibly moving. Be sure to check out the gallery and read the captions.
  

• Two sites that have helped me immensely: Real Mental and Beliefnet's Beyond Blue.
  

• Here's a favorite recipe of ours. It is kid friendly and a Weight Watchers recipe, what more could one ask for? For Anne Marie's carnival of kid friendly food.
  

Unfried Chicken
1/4 c reduced calorie mayo
1 t dijon mustard
2 t grated lemon zest
1/2 t salt
4 drops hot pepper sauce
1 4lb chicken, cut into parts (I just use boneless thighs or breasts)
3/4 c cornflake crumbs

1. Preheat oven to 350*. Spray shallow baking pan with nonstick spray.
2. mix together mayo, mustard, lemon zest, salt, and pepper sauce in a large bowl. Add chicken and toss to coat. I usually just put the chicken parts on the baking pan and spread the mayo mixture on the chicken with a pastry brush.
3. Place cornflake crumbs in a ziploc bag; add chicken one piece at a time and shake to coat. Since my pieces are on the baking tray already I just sprinkle them with the crumbs.
4. Place chicken on baking pan. Spray top of chicken lightly with nonstick spray. Bake until golden brown and cooked through, without turning, about 45 minutes. If you are using boneless chicken or smaller pieces it generally takes less time than that.
   

Closer, Together

There have been a lot of frustrated people in our house over the past year. Well, four of us to be exact. The kids would be kids, my cup would run over with anxiety, Erik would try to step in and fix things, and everyone would stomp off to their corner. Erik and I didn't get along much better than all four of us did. Yikes!

Even before I started feeling better, things began to improve when I understood more about what was going on with myself. I do a lot of thinking, but don't always share, even with my husband. I've realized (duh!) that I need to share what is going on inside, or he's not going to be able to help me, or even to understand why I act the way I do. I need to be mindful of my thought processes, talk back to myself when the automatic thoughts are wrong, and share those inner thoughts when the going is tough. This experience has brought us closer together.

From the depths it wasn't always easy to see all he was doing for me. I know I said some of this a few posts ago, but I really wanted to write something specifically thanking and recognizing Erik. (and was further pushed to do so by OMSH.) Without either of us really saying, my gosh, something not so great is going on here, he took over bedtime this summer, and took over dinner prep as well. Never once did he say, for heaven's sake woman, why can't you get out of bed and start dinner? Can't you read a goodnight story to one of the kids? Nope, he just went and took care of things.

Erik, when we met I was so intrigued by your laid back nature. I always hoped some of it would rub off on me. Sadly I think more of my high strung nature has rubbed off on you than the reverse, but we still make a great team. I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and it may seem that I don't always appreciate all you do for us. Thank you for loving me.

*********************************************************
PS: I passed!

Who is this woman?

• she's a mama
• she's a wife
• she's a chef and baker
  
• she's a student
• she's a breastfeeding helper
• she's funny
• she's usually serious, and that's ok
• she's a photographer
• she's a crafter and artist
  
• she's a dreamer, though she doesn't share her dreams readily
• she's finally comfortable looking at a goofy picture of herself without cringing and hitting delete
  

I know bad things come in threes

but what about things breaking? Today two things fell apart on me- my Weight Watchers 10% weight loss key chain, and my Hello Kitty cell phone charm. Hmm. What does it all mean?

My take on the key chain is that it is time for me to break past my 10% because over the summer I maintained my weight but haven't gone any lower. I've started exercising in the past few weeks--after dinner walks in the neighborhood and I also picked up a WW dvd which has five 10 to 20 minute exercise routines. I can handle that.

So there you have it, an omen from the gods that I'm going to be breaking past this plateau ; )

Appreciating Florida

International Bloggers' Day for Burma

see also my post below.

Things I'm loving right now

• a husband who cooks dinner, grocery shops, and vacuums
• a husband who is doing his best to understand this lady he's married to
• reading abridged versions of the Iliad and the Odyssey with Sam. I was a Classical Languages major and it is so much fun sharing this with him
• my invite to Ravelry! Yay!
• watching Maya learn to read. She's so determined
• the wild clouds in Florida. I guess because Florida is mostly flat, and there aren't any tall buildings in my town, the sky is so BIG here. And the cloud formations lately have been amazing. I have been taking some photos and hope to get them online in a day or so
• a weekend visit with my sister, her son, my grandma, and my aunt
• noticing at least six intricate spider webs outside the house this morning
• and best of all, noticing the lack of stomach aches and a racing heart :)

Recovering

Have you ever been getting over an illness and suddenly realized just how very sick you were? Over the past few weeks, as I've been climbing out of a black hole I fell into, I realized that I fell into it almost a year ago. I realized that I was just going through the motions on many days and simply getting by.


Since last fall I've felt that my paxil had stopped working for me. My psychiatrist increased the dose (I think that was in December) and then again in the spring. Sometime in early fall my daughter's dance teacher asked us not to change in the bathroom and to use the changing room, so that others could access the bathroom. We'd been using the bathroom since she was halfway taking her clothing off to use the toilet so I had figured that it was just quicker. The teacher's request was totally reasonable, but I nearly burst into tears and had an awful, stung sensation in my core. I think it is related to the first grade incident I talked about the other day. Ordinarily, with the help of therapy and my medication, I've been able to shake off this feeling and go on with life. I noticed that I still felt stung and shamed the next day. I continued to feel unwell mentally as both my sister and sister-in-law talked about moving further away from where I live. My wonderful therapist helped a lot, but often I would wonder how on earth she could tell me I was doing so well when I felt so awful. I was so tired of feeling bad, and wondered if the only way to stop it was to end my life.



Sometime this spring my therapist said that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and most likely have since I was a young child (like four or five years old). I've been in therapy on and off since college. I've been taking paxil for a number of years now, but that was the first time anyone ever mentioned GAD. I've always known I was tense, high strung, and a worrywort. But this, this was such a relief! Things started making sense, although it has still been a long journey.


At the end of the school year I would climb into bed and practice "benign neglect" of my children. Except I don't think it was completely benign. I don't believe in always entertaining my kids, but when I look back at those last six weeks of school I really didn't interact with them much. My husband put them to sleep most of the time. I did no crafts with them, didn't read with them. I don't mean that I was completely isolated from them. We had snuggles of course, and I did a lot of things with them over the summer. However I really did take to bed as much as possible. And in order to avoid the things that were upsetting me, I spent huge amounts of time on the internet.


Despite feeling so trapped by the anxiety, I did do a lot this summer; I'm amazed looking back. I volunteered at one of my kids' summer camps, I took the lactation exam, attended a conference where I had a lot of responsibilities to fulfill. And finally, I saw the psychiatrist again. Since I've been able to look at my symptoms under the lens of anxiety (and not depression, which is what I'd always thought was my primary problem), I described to her the physical symptoms that dog me--intense butterflies in my stomach, an anxious feeling in my chest, tingling in my arms. She peered at me from over the top of her glasses and said " You are having Way Too Many physical symptoms and medicine can help with that. I'm going to increase your prescription again. Most people would have been on this dose two years ago." I felt so relieved to hear this--I can't think of a time when I haven't experienced these symptoms more days than not! I sat in the car after the appointment, and told my husband, crying tears of relief.

I've been on the increased dose for a few weeks now. About two weeks ago I could tell that it was helping, because I did some things that I haven't been able to do for the past six months--I cleaned the bathrooms. I've attacked clutter in the family and living rooms (clutter is a huge trigger for me). My heart races far less. When I am feeling anxious, one or two deep breaths, along with reminding myself that everything is ok, calms me down.

I keep finding myself thinking about the past year, and shaking my head. I don't know how it got so awful. Even though I knew what to do to help myself, it was nearly impossible to do those things (get a good night's sleep, eat well, exercise). It astonishes me that it has taken nearly a year to feel like myself again. (There are small voices whispering in my ear that others have suffered far worse years, and I feel like erasing everything I've written here. I'm going to resist that though.)

It is such a relief to have energy, to realize that small steps in removing clutter or doing dishes or working on projects *does* do some good. I am sure I will have bad days sprinkled among the good ones, but I'm so glad to be living more fully again, and I'm excited to dream some dreams and go after them.

Freedom from Fear

Regimented minds cannot grasp the concept of confrontation as an open
exchange of major differences with a view to settlement through genuine
dialogue. The insecurity of power based on coercion translates into a need
to crush all dissent.

-Aung San Suu Kyi, In Quest of Democracy

Aung San Suu Kyi wrote these words nineteen years ago. The people of Burma still long to live in a democracy, where they can be free from fear.

It is heartbreaking to think of the thousands upon thousands of people who have taken to the streets this week, only to be fired upon by their own government. The photographs make the hairs on my arm stand on end--the bravery of the monks in their maroon and orange robes, the masses of citizens standing alongside them, filling the streets despite the risk of injury or death.

It is man's vision of a world fit for rational, civilized humanity which
leads him to dare and to suffer to build societies free from want and far.
Concepts such as truth, justice, and compassion cannot be dismissed as trite
when these are often the only bulwarks which stand against ruthless power.

- Aung San Suu Kyi, Freedom from Fear

Overheard at the Store this morning

By a cashier to another employee as I walked out of the store "Look, there's that customer who brings her own bags."

I grew up in NYC, so it is safe to say that the town in FL where I currently live is indeed the smallest place I've ever lived. However, I did not think that I could possibly be the only person in this area who uses her own cloth bags at the store.

Getting to the Root of Things

Last week I received letters from each of my children's teachers. And each one resulted in tears. My tears, not my children's tears.

Neither letter contains anything that signifies the end of the world. Neither is beyond remedying. So why the tears? Worse than the tears--why the ache in my heart and stomach?

I'm not one of those "helicopter mothers." While of course I take pride in my children's accomplishments (geez, they are 8 & 5, accomplishments sounds a bit much, no?), I don't live through them. So what on earth is my deal?

I thought about it all weekend. I think that I'm particularly sensitive to any hint of rebuke from teachers because of an incident that happened when I was in first grade. I was shy (and anxious!) and did not want to read aloud to the class when called upon. I can still see the illustration accompanying the text about a mail man in my mind's eye. The teacher called me to her desk, and asked me to bring my reader. She took the reader from me, as punishment, and I recall going back to my desk crying. I didn't go home and tell my parents; they eventually heard it from the teacher herself at parent-teacher night. My mother, also a teacher, was furious that I'd had a book taken from me.

After letting the tears out, and having lots of time on Yom Kippur to ponder this, I re-read the email from my daughter's teacher. I can see that I read the note as an indictment of my parenting. Add that to my sensitive nature, and this apparently unresolved first grade incident, a 24 hour fast, and boom. It ain't pretty. I hope that I can excise the hurt that I am still carrying around, and figure out how to hear from my children's teachers without reverting to that crying first grader.

The Problem with Perfectionism

Yesterday I baked and cooked and baked some more for Rosh Hashanah. I was vaguely anxious all day, hoping I'd get everything done on time. A few times I noticed my anxiety, and tried to calm myself. What was I so worried about? No guests were coming, this was simply a meal for our family.

By the time we sat down I had a headache and was all worked up. The chicken wasn't done yet, it was already 7 pm, the kids' bedtime was already weighing on me (they don't have today off), and then Sam started complaining about the texture of the butternut squash--normally his favorite vegetable.

Then the voices started- see, why do you try so hard, it never turns out how you wanted it anyway? What's wrong with you--should have gotten the chicken cooking earlier (never mind that you were at Maya's dance class)? What kind of a parent are you that your kids don't just eat their food without a litany of complaints?

And it occurred to me--when you are a perfectionist you really don't allow yourself to enjoy a damn thing! You're filled with anticipatory worry about all the things that could go wrong, and then when anything ends up differing from your vision of perfection you are upset at your perceived failure.

Every year at Rosh Hashanah I pray for G_d to help me to live a happy life. I'm so envious of those who seem to have happiness come to them so easily. I pray that this will be the year that I will learn to stop shooting myself in the foot, that this will be the year that I will be a patient mother, a loving, non-critical spouse, and that I will do the things that I know (in theory) will help with my rampant anxiety. And so often I am feeling like a failure even before the end of the first full day of the new year.

Reuse- Orbit business card holder

OMSH introduced me to Orbit gum in a swap. I was getting ready to go to a conference and in getting my volunteer business cards together I realized the box is the perfect size for a business card holder.

From this:


To this:



Or this:



All you need is glue (I used mod podge), and paper. On the brown one I used tissue paper, and I love that you can see the orange of the Orbit box through it. On the second one I used scrapbooking paper.

Try Day: Beach Collage

See some more collages here

***************************************
I was featured reader on mamazine.com today. If you haven't read mamazine before, check it out!

Quest

When I saw the theme at Mama Says Om, I first thought of those delicious moments overhearing the kids plan some great adventure. Then I thought of my own quests.



Quest for Inner Peace. I've been seeking this for some time now--my holy grail. It is a three steps forward, two steps back kind of journey. This week has had advances and setbacks galore.



My next quest is for peace in parenting. This quest is closely linked to the quest for inner peace. I wonder if you can have one without the other, or if one must come before the other by necessity.



The quest for time for creativity suffers at the hand of the other two. The projects and ideas pile up, and whirl around my head. I know what I need to do to have peace in parenting, but often my desperate grasping after time for creativity causes me to lose my tentative grasp. But if I don't get to express myself, will I ever achieve inner peace?

More Love

My sister's husband is from Uzbekistan. His sister and her two children came to the US to visit my sister and her son (her husband is working out of the country right now). Sam and Halima had exchanged a few letters as pen pals, with my sister translating. And when my sister and her husband lived across the street from them in Tashkent, Halima and Muhammed got to know my kids via pictures and movies. When my sister visited us she'd bring pictures and movies of them. So, when we knew that Halima and Muhammed were coming to visit, we knew we had to get up to see them somehow. We squeezed in a visit last weekend.

We had a wonderful time. Although it was their first time meeting, the kids felt like they already knew each other. It was so cool seeing them figure out how to communicate even though we don't speak Karakalpak and they don't speak much English.

In other highlights Sam was thrilled to finally see an R2-D2 mailbox!

Love

My sister-in-law took this gorgeous photo of Maya and her son, Tedi. We are all so blessed that he has joined our family! He's such a sweet guy; it has been so much fun to watch/listen to him learn English.

Love prompt

Fun

For more fun photographs visit Create a Connection!

I did it!!!

I feel like Dora the Explorer, I'm going around singing "I did it. I did it! I did it. Yeah!"

Oh, what did I do? On Monday I took the lactation consultant board certification exam. I won't get results till October, but I feel that I did really well. I was excited and smiling even as working on the exam. When I got home my family had a little party for me :)

I've had so many things I've wanted to write about the past few weeks but was spending my time studying and attending a breastfeeding/parenting conference. The conference was wonderful and I heard some amazing speakers like Dr. James McKenna, Dr. Nils Bergman, Ina May Gaskin, Dr. Peter Hartmann, and Dr. Miriam Labbok. Everything I heard reinforced my studying and left me feeling great.

There are just a few weeks left before school begins again here in Florida. We'll be spending quite a bit of time with family. I'm looking forward to catching up on some things at home and settling down to do some sewing and other craft projects.

Kids Plan a Dinner Party

Anne Marie at Readable Feast is sharing writing invitations this summer. Sam is pretty self-motivated as far as doing summer reading and writing goes, but I thought it would be fun to pose some of the questions to both of the kids.

Last week I asked both of them who from the past or the present they'd invite to a dinner party. I loved their answers.

Sam, age 8:

• George Lucas
• Frank Oz (voice of Yoda)
• The Beatles

Maya, age 5.5

• Britney, her best friend
• Bono
• JD Fortune (new singer for INXS)
• the person who plays Ariel the Little Mermaid
• Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia, after prompting from her brother

I love it! I think I'll try to ask them every few years to see how their answers change.

Bonus conversation:
Maya- I love you Mama (for the hundredth time that day)
Me- I love you too Maya
Maya- I even love you when you're upset with me.
Me- I love you all the time too, Maya.

a few crafty bits

Finished the doll for my nephew

A shirred shirt for Maya

Not perfect, but it was fun to learn to sew with elastic thread. from directions in sew simple magazine and House on Hill Road tutorial

A few books I'm loving right now

How is it possible that I haven't added Crazy Aunt Purl to my Google Reader? She's so fabulously funny, and you know I could always use a nudge towards laughter.

GTKY via Birthdays

Groovyholly asks about birthdays at CAC

1) What is your most memorable birthday? Tell us what you remember, your feelings, why it stands out in your mind.

Oooh, this would have to be the year my parents threw me a surprise party! I think I was in 1st grade. My parents got me out of the house by sending me on an errand with my dad. They told me my aunt was going away and wanted me to have my present before my birthday, before she left. We got to her apartment and no one was home. I was *so* disappointed! I couldn't believe my Aunt Ilene would have left before we got there.

I was totally dejected on the way home. Then we opened the front door of our apartment and "SUPRISE"! It was great. And Aunt Ilene, and my gift, were there.

2) What is the best gift you've received for your birthday? Gah. That's a hard one. I probably cherish the notes from my children the most- love that early handwriting! The one gift I totally remember receiving in childhood was actually for Chanukah- a Barbie 'head' that you put makeup on.

3) How do you celebrate July 4 or July 1? We are usually with family. Most years since my first was born we've gone to the Sanibel 4th of July parade with my in-laws. This year my sister and her son (18 mos) came to visit us in FL. Even though the poor little guy had an ear infection he had a fun time with his cousins- and of course it is so much fun for us to get to know him better!

4) What do you value most about where you live? Freedom.
What do you do to show your appreciation? I vote.

On the Plus side

Somehow through these dark moments I've been doing really well on Weight Watchers. Ordinarily I would eat everything in sight in order to bury the bad feelings. Attending meetings, as opposed to do it online, has really been good. I'm applying more of what I've learned, and really feel like I can do this. Yeah!

My sister and my nephew are coming for a visit on Friday. I can't wait to see them, and to see our kids play together! The baby is 18 months old and is going through a vocabulary explosion. Should be fun!

Fixing Leaks

Have you ever felt like you are trying to stop the water from coming through the dam, only there are too many holes for you to keep up with? That's what the last two months or so have felt like for me. I can't keep up with all of these holes. As soon as one hole seems repaired I spring a leak somewhere else. It's been hard to keep my head above water.

In the past few weeks I've had to force myself out of bed, force myself to interact with my husband, my children, to make good on my responsibilities. I had to pretend everything was ok for my son's birthday party and my mom's visit, for my volunteering stint at the kids' camp.

I drove past a sign at the entrance to a senior's trailer park that said Wake Up--Survive--Go to Bed. That's pretty much what I was doing, and instead of laughing, as those who hung the letters intended, I cried. I was overwhelmed by everything. Irritable. Wondering how to get out of this place in my mind.

I've often wondered, why does life seem so much harder for me than for other people? Why can't I just be happy? And then quickly shushed myself, telling myself that I have a wonderful life which should make me very happy, and that there are so many others who live much harder lives.

My therapist tells me that I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was a kid, and that while I have felt the affects of this that I've coped really well throughout my life. I feel relieved to hear this. Yes, there is something wrong with me. I'm not imagining the difficulties I perceive. The stomach aches are real. The jittery and wiped out feelings after being in certain situations are real.

I've worked harder to find the ways to explain what I've been going through to my husband. I'm not just a bitchy person. When I freak out, it is my trying to deal with the overload in my head. When I do nothing, it is not because I'm lazy, but because I'm paralyzed and can't see a way out. I had to tell him things I was embarrassed about, like considering how to end the pain when medicine and therapy don't seem like enough.

Yesterday I started feeling more like myself. Still overwhelmed, still anxious. But I got some things done. I felt spring in my step instead of dread. I'm paralyzed today, looking around my home, it seems doubtful that any cleaning I do can make any sort of difference. I'm still hopeful though, and I know that somehow, I can get through this.

Goodbyes

I've never been good at goodbye. At the end of our annual visit to my grandparents in San Diego I would be in tears as we said goodbye before leaving for the airport. My parents would want one more picture, and I would inevitably be in tears.

Tonight we called my husband's sister and her family. Tomorrow they are moving from a town 2.5 hours away from us to Hawaii. When we saw them a few weeks ago I was very standoffish. I couldn't bear being close to them that weekend, knowing I'd have to say goodbye soon. Tonight I apologized for acting like a jerk when we had time together, and of course burst into tears. She's not just my sister-in-law, she's my friend. We can talk about pretty much anything. She may not have lived in my town for the past few years, but she is pretty much my closest friend geographically.

It's true what they say about anger--there is usually another emotion behind it. I thought I was angry at them, but truly, I'm just oh-so-sad.

Friendship Part II

When I wrote about Friendship the other day, I meant to talk about a theory of mine. I think that the internet is full of other folks who have a hard time making or keeping friends, with introverted people who want connection with other, but who need lots of time alone.

I met many women with new babies in the summer of 1999 online, when my son was born. Several of them have become my closest friends. We've met in RL, our families know and love each other too. We've been through subsequent pregnancies, and all kinds of ups and downs together. I'm so grateful I have them. But I still really yearn for someone who lives nearby, in the same county if not in the same town.

I took a step this week. I volunteered at my kids' camp for the past two weeks. The teacher I was helping was really fun to hang out with. I gave her my number and email address. I'm hoping we can get together and develop a friendship. I really hope to hear from her, but if not at least I've learned that it isn't so scary to try.

Blogging to Know You

This week's Getting to Know You is about blogging!

When did you begin your first blog and what inspired you to do so?
I started this blog in November, after reading Fussy's idea for NaBloPoMo. I enjoy writing but didn't often take the time to do personal writing.

Do you have more than one blog? Why? How are they different?
Nope, just the one : )

How would you characterize your blog?
Creative
Political
Informational
Community-oriented
Or something else?
Hmm, a little bit crafty, a little bit mama-blog, a little bit mental health.

To paraphrase Oprah, what is "one thing you know for sure" about blogging?
I know that I've 'met' some pretty cool people blogging!
Is it important to you to get feedback in terms of comments or pings? Why or why not?
I love getting comments, I won't lie. It is nice to feel that someone out there is listening. Even without comments blogging is so valuable. It is something I make time for, for myself. It gives me a chance to write things I'm thinking about, when I might not pull out pen and paper to do so.
What 3 blogs would you recommend to our readers and why?
Hmm, three. This is going to be tough!
One of my favorite's is Krista's blog, The Silent K. She moves and inspires me with every post.
The Living Classroom is the journal of an amazing K-1 teacher. It is wonderful to read about her school and her students.
Shiso Mama is the blog of a wonderful, creative mama. She creates beautiful collages. Check it out! She shares photos and stories of her adorable and fashionable son, Otis.

Friendship

When I was a kid, my mother was always reassuring me that the day would come when making friends would be easier for me. Don't worry, she'd say, there are more kids in High School. Then, oh, in college you'll meet people you have more in common with. When you're a parent you'll meet lots of people in your new town.

Caroline at Potato Prints wrote about friendship today. Her drawing really resonates with me. Looking from the outside in, wanting to be a part of that closeness, or fun, and yet being too scared to step forward. It is so lonely.

When commenting to Caroline I realize: I've lived here for eight years. I don't think 'I'm new in town' is my problem anymore. My son is entering third grade and my daughter will attend kindergarten at the same school next year. I know friends won't just jump out and attach themselves to me. I do feel like I'm different than most people here. I grew up in a big city, most folks grew up in this small town. I encounter many folks who've learned racist attitudes from their parents. I cannot get close to someone who believes that type of thing. Where is my bosom buddy?

My daughter is very extroverted. I've had to stretch my boundaries for her. I need to do it more. It is hard for me to arrange play dates for my kids, and yet, how will they learn about friendship if I don't make it possible for them? Yes, they play with kids at school and camp, but we don't often have a child over to play.

Somehow I need to push myself out of this friendless zone, for myself.

Color Me Happy Swaparooni

Looking for a fun swap? Consider joining OMSH's Color Me Happy Swaparooni. Colors for June are Orange and Yellow.

Check out the Flickr Group for info on joining.
I got some great stuff from Frugalmom
for the Pink and Green swap in May:

Celebrate Eight

Cake


Singing


Wishing


Happy


Pinata

Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday

Charlotte is the June host for CAC's Getting to Know You Day. Here is her fun prompt for today:

Where were you in 1987? In school? Working? Single? Married? Attached? What was important to you? What were you doing creatively? Tell us a bit about your life then.

In 1987 I was a junior in high school. I'd never had a boyfriend. My high school was huge, about 4000 kids, but I was in a small program within the school and took classes with the same 20 or so kids. By junior year we were like a big family. Our homeroom teacher was the best, he really took care of us. Being, um, nerdy we sometimes wanted to be marked absent from school so we could skip some of our classes to go home and study. So Mr. Larsen would mark us absent, we'd go to the class the exam was going to be in, and then go home to study. Being absent was less problematic than skipping. High School was more fun than Middle School, but looking back I still think of feeling nervous all the time.

Although I've always enjoyed creating things I was not involved in any crafty activities at the time.

Where were you in 1997? What would you like to share about the nineties?

In 1997 I was living in the greater Orlando area with my husband. We were just starting to think about trying to have a baby. I was still becoming adjusted to life in Florida :) Since we'd moved to Florida I'd been working in retail. By November of '97 I'd had enough, and when my dad offered me a job I took it. This November I'll have worked for him for ten years!

I think the 90's were about transition for me. I stopped being a student upon graduation from NYU. I moved to a new state for the first time in my life. I got married and we bought a home.

Where did you plan to be or think you'd be in 2007? Have your realized your goals? What is one thing about your present life you love and one you'd like to change?

I don't think I had any plans for 2007 : ) I've been going along with the flow for quite a while now (even when going with the flow has simply meant dealing with life as it is, anxiety and all). We have two wonderful (most of the time!) children. I'm working towards some goals now. I'm still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up : )

One thing I want to change is my work. Working for my dad has been great on many levels- my babies came to work with me. I can go to the store on my way to work. I can leave early for a doctor's appointment. But my father's work is his dream, not mine. It is awkward for me at times- he's so happy to have me at work, to know that he can count on me. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of enthusiasm for the work I'm doing. And that makes it very hard for me to get things done.

How do you see your life in 2017? Do you have any goals or dreams for your future?

I want to continue to learn and do new creative and crafty things. I hope to explore many things with my children and my husband- new countries, new adventures, plenty of travel. I hope that by 2017 I'll either be in school learning a new career or already working at one : ). Aaaack! I think in 2017 my oldest will be applying to college. Eeek. Can't think about that--he's turning 8 tomorrow!

The Things Kids Say

The scene: in the car on the last day of school, two weeks ago

Son: (excitedly) Mom, I'm going to third grade! My report card says I'm promoted!

Mom: (smiling bemusedly) That's awesome!

Photo Thursday

mayafirehose
Originally uploaded by nyjlm.

Ninotchka's theme for this week was water. I was thinking I didn't have anything very recent to share, but then I remembered

On the next to last day of school, the preschoolers got to go to the firehouse, which is across the street from the elementary school. One of the teachers at the school is a member of our volunteer fire dept, so they got to check all sorts of things out, including one of the smaller hoses :)

I took a bunch of shots of Maya and her friends using the hose, but I liked this one best because of the smile on her face.

The Infamous Proust Questionnaire

Whoa, Nellie! Paintergirl has come up with some toughies for her last Getting to Know You

* Your most marked characteristic? intensity
* The quality you most like in a man? tenderness
* The quality you most like in a woman? determination
* What do you most value in your friends? sensitivity, empathy
* What is your principle defect? stubbornness, also very sensitive, anxious
* What is your favorite occupation? I'll let you know if I figure it out
* What is your dream of happiness? Living a life free from anxiety and depression
* What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? Losing my family
* What would you like to be? I'd like to work in maternal/child health, be a baker, an art teacher for young kids (although I guess I'd rather call it 'facilitator of creativity' lol).
* In what country would you like to live? Italy
* What is your favorite color? green
* What is your favorite flower? Cosmos
* What is your favorite bird? I love all of the herons and egrets. As a kid my favorite was the Peregrine Falcon.
* Who are your favorite prose writers? Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy
* Who are your favorite poets? Cavafy, Elytis, Virgil, Ovid,
* Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Aeneas
* Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? Jane Eyre, Tess (of the D'Urbervilles)
* Who are your favorite composers? I like lots of stuff but don't necessarily know the composer's name : ) Aaron Copeland just popped into my mind.
* Who are your favorite painters? Picasso, Matisse
* Who are your heroes in real life? People who stand up for what is right, even though that is not the easy thing to do.
* Who are your favorite heroines of history? mothers who advocate for their children in trying times.
* What are your favorite names? I love the name Esther.
* What is it you most dislike? I have a very hard time when I feel I'm misunderstood.
* What historical figures do you most despise? Hitler
* What event in military history do you most admire? Storming the beach at Normandy
* What reform do you most admire? Civil Rights. Sadly, I don't think it is a completed reform.
* What natural gift would you most like to possess? Inner peace
* How would you like to die? peacefully and painlessly
* What is your present state of mind? overwhelmed, sad
* To what faults do you feel most indulgent? slothfullness
* What is your motto? don't have one!

How to Cure a Tantrum

Make cookies!

Mini Black and White Cookies, Weight Watchers style

• 2 sprays cooking spray
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 2/3 cup sugar, granulated
• 2 large egg(s)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp lemon zest
• 2 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp table salt
• 2/3 cup fat-free skim milk
• 3 large egg white(s)
• 2 cup powdered sugar, divided
• 1/4 cup water, boiling, or more if necessary, divided
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa

• Preheat oven to 375°F. Coat 2 cookie sheets with cooking spray or cover with parchment paper. (I used a silpat instead)
  
  
• Beat butter and granulated sugar in a large bowl, using an electric mixer, until light and fluffy. Add whole eggs, one at a time, and incorporate with mixer; blend in 1 teaspoon of vanilla and lemon zest.
  
  
• Mix together flour, baking powder and salt in a separate medium bowl.
  
  
• Add half of flour mixture to butter mixture; add milk and beat well. Add remaining flour mixture and beat well.
  
  
• Whip egg whites in a medium bowl, with a wire whisk, until soft peaks form; gently fold egg whites into cookie batter.
  
  
• Drop batter by heaping teaspoons onto cookie sheets; batter should remain in high mounds. Make sure to leave at least 2-inches of space between each mound of batter.
  
  
• Bake cookies until edges turn slightly brown, about 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool on cookie sheets for 1 to 2 minutes; move to wire racks and allow to cool completely.
  
  
• Meanwhile, to make vanilla icing, combine 1 cup of powdered sugar, 2 tablespoons of boiling water and remaining 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla in a medium bowl; beat until smooth. Using a pastry brush or flexible spatula, paint half of each cooled cookie with vanilla icing. (NOTE: Make sure to ice the flat side of each cookie. You should always use the vanilla icing first)
  
  
• To make chocolate icing, combine remaining cup of powdered sugar, cocoa and 2 tablespoons of boiling water in a medium bowl; beat until smooth. Add a little more water, a teaspoon at a time, if icing is too dry. Using the same brush or spatula, paint the second half of the flat side of each cookie. Allow icing to dry completely before serving. Yields 2 cookies per serving.

I probably could have added more powdered sugar to my icing, to make it thicker. Next time. The cookies have a great taste.

Couldn't resist

More Superbuzzy goodness

Do-overs

In this week's Getting to Know You at CAC, Paintergirl asks if there is anything in your life you would re-do.

In the fourth grade (or was it third?) my class was having a 'garage sale' and sending the profits to Unicef. Someone brought in a Barbie townhouse- it was like this one with the elevator. I desperately wanted this house. It was only three dollars!

Only one problem. I was afraid to ask my parents for the money. I dreaded the thought that they could say no, so I didn't ask. I remember riding the elevator down to the lobby that morning. I can see my mother's arm as she stood next to me. The question was on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn't get it out.

My friend Sandy bought it. I was heartbroken. She invited me over to play with it. It was fun, but I was so disappointed.

I think even as a kid I knew that the truly sad part of the story was not that I didn't get the dollhouse, but that I was too scared of asking my mom for it. I was not afraid of being physically harmed, or yelled at. I used to marvel at the things my younger sister felt comfortable asking our parents for.

I still don't like to ask for things. Even silly things, like asking "do you have this in my size" at the store. If I could do it over, I wish I could have been a less fearful child.

All I wanted for Mother's Day...

was to be able to have my sewing machine out all weekend! I sewed up a storm.

First up was this bag from Tiny Happy


I used a piece of silk my sister brought me from Uzbekistan. I thought that it would be too floppy even with a lining, so I used Peltex to give it some body. Something a little flimsier might have been better, but I really like how it came out. I think I will add some sort of closure to it, a toggle of some sort I guess.

Next up, two totes for the kids to use to transport library books to and fro.


I got to use some of my fabrics from Superbuzzy. The pattern for the bags is from Lotta Jansdotter's Simple Sewing.

Also from Lotta's book is this tool roll, which now holds my crochet hooks




I winged the case on the right, which is for sewing needles.

And right before my family served me a wonderful dinner, I started this guy


From Joy's Waldorf Dolls 8" Pocket Love Doll, for our new nephew. I made a doll from this pattern for my son when he was about 1.5 years old. I sewed that one by hand, and now that I think of it, it was the first thing I ever sewed. I'm happy to say that it is still intact, and he is still a guest in my son's bed from time to time!

It was a wonderful day, and it was so much fun to sew all of this stuff!

Seeds of inspiration

About a month ago, Susan at West Coast Crafty posted about a book that inspired her in childhood. I too had a set of Childcraft's How and Why Library, and like Susan, the Make and Do volume stole my heart. After Susan posted about it I looked on ebay for a copy, but abstained from purchasing because I couldn't find the Make and Do volume for sale on it's own in the edition that I had as a child. I didn't buy one in April, but knew I'd keep looking.

On Friday I had a few minutes before I needed to pick up the children from school. I went to the local Salvation Army thrift shop. I'm always envious of folks who seem to find the most amazing things when they go thrifting. I've never been so lucky, until last week. I slowly made my way around the store. When I got to the book corner I looked down into a box...which held the Childcraft How and Why Library! It wasn't the edition I had as a kid, but I didn't care. I eagerly snatched up the Make and Do volume. Reader, I paid 50 cents for it! I took it home and looked through it- despite being about ten years younger than the one I had as a kid it is exactly the same.

My heart stopped a second when I got to this page



I stared at this photo for hours as a kid. My mother was not crafty--oh how I yearned to sew this outfit for my dolls! When I told my mother and sister about my book find and my reaction to this page, they both said the same thing "now you can!" And I will ; )

When I was a little girl I always had my nose in a book. Make and Do was one I looked at for hours on end. Another was Betty Crocker's New Boys and Girls Cook Book. Just this afternoon I was reflecting on the impact that these two books had on my childhood and my life. I love cooking, baking, and crafting. And I love doing those things with my children. These two late 1960s books were hand-me-downs from my dad's cousin. I wonder if I would be a different person if these books were not given to me? Who knows. Right now I'm just enjoying my books, and loving sharing these books with my kids.

Before and After

CAC Writing Prompts

Kiandra inspired me to go ahead and tackle these prompts. I've been missing CAC due to busy-ness and I do want to get back on the saddle : )

1. If you could have any magical power for only one hour, what would it be and why? The ability to clean cluttered homes in a single bound. Well, one cluttered home anyhow.

2. You've won a pair of round-trip airline tickets to anywhere in the world. Where would you go, with whom, and why? Italy, with my husband and kids. It is my dream place to visit. I've been twice with my husband, and once before that. We are talking about when we'll be able to take the kids for the first time.

3. You are stranded in a library or bookstore for 24 hours. In what section do you spend the most time? Why? I have so many interests I can't really say that I gravitate to one section over another. I do need many hours to slowly walk through the whole store or library! Cookbooks, books on parenting, children's books, magazines, travel books, you name it and I want to read it :)

4. If you were to be on a reality TV show, which one would it be? Why would you be a good fit for that particular show? Hmm. I don't know if this is really what you're thinking of, but it would have to be one of those organizational shows. We really need that.

5. What did you most recently dream or daydream about? I've been dreaming of yarn! I'm trying to choose the yarn for my babette blanket and the possibilities are all so yummy! I'm also dreaming out lout with my husband about an actual family trip to Italy in two years. We'll see!

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

up and down up and down. My mooods have always been that way. I think I have a little less swing as I've gotten older and learned more about myself, but sometimes I just can't help it.

This week is one of those weeks. So many things to feel up about, but yesterday has pretty much negated the up feeling. I had a terrible time with my son yesterday afternoon. It is hard to even contemplate. I did apologize for my inappropriate actions; he did too, and I am hoping he understands a little better what we ask of him. I do think there is something deeper going on with him, which is a reminder that I need to be present for him in the afternoon, instead of getting caught up in my own things.

I also had a terrible fight with my husband. I regretted a lot of what I said. I apologized when I realized the damage I had done. I was also able to apologize this morning for the whole thing. I'm not much of a kidder. I tend not to like silly jokes, and I've been called "too serious" often. He'd made a comment that just set me off after a bad day. After a night's sleep I was able to acknowledge that it was a harmless comment and that I didn't need to let my emotions run away with themselves like that. That is a step in the right direction, as I'm usually unable to recognize that what I've done maybe wasn't necessary. And if I do recognize it, I have a damn hard time admitting it!

I haven't been doing my grateful journal every night for the past few nights. And for a lifelong pessimist I have definitely found keeping track of what I'm grateful for useful. I will make sure to do it tonight.

When I go home this afternoon (soon!), I will be present with the kids. I will not try to get other things done (well, I might crochet in their presence, but that's ok, right?). I want to be fun mommy, not raging, raving lunatic mommy.

Ok, so three steps forward, two steps back, and maybe another one forward.

Small Things to smile about on a Monday

• While getting my journal ready for the CAC swap, my son kept walking by and told me "Mom, it is getting more beautiful and more beautiful." Awww. I hope Pauline thinks so!
• I figured out how to crochet the squares for the Babette blanket! I have a hard time understanding crochet patterns with directions inside of parentheses and brackets. Yup, that is pretty much all crochet patterns. I did a traditional granny square last night, looked more closely at the photos in the Flickr group, and figured out what I needed to do. Now that I know I can do it I can plan what colors I'm going to use. I'm very excited.
• I have two more forms to fill out for my lactation conultant certification exam; I'll be able to have it postmarked by the April 30th deadline. I've signed up for an exam prep course online and also have an exam prep book. Yeah!
• I think I'm mentally caught up from five days away from home. I went to a conference in Georgia, and even co-presented a session without falling ill from nerves :) I got to meet the Fly Lady. I even hugged her because of a story she told. Mind you, I've never done Fly Lady, and have often wondered about her legions of fans. However, I think she's what I've been wishing for. I need someone to tell me what to do, what small steps to take to care for our home. And she will do that. Somehow meeting her and hearing her stories personally has really gotten through to me. I know that there is no magic pill; if I want to change our home, I need to do it one step at a time. Instead of crying about how overwhelmed I am, I need to put one baby step after another.
• I hate asking for help in stores. Hate it. But this morning I was shopping for milk and didn't see what I wanted. I did see a man behind the milk case working to restock. So...I asked for what I was looking for. My heart didn't pound. I didn't hem and haw, wondering if I should bother, I just did it. Yay!

I had a tough weekend, mostly of my own making I'm sad to say. But today is starting the week off on a good note. Even though I was cranky all weekend, I think I've learned more about myself. I can see through my exam prep and work on crocheting that I can take things one step at a time and make them happen.

Look out, here I come. And I'm turning out great.

Fruitful Weekend

I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm thankful for it--somehow I've got my get-up-and-go back!
After some great discussions with my husband on our spring break trip, I've decided for sure to take the IBLCE exam this summer. This is the credentialing exam for lactation consultants. The regular deadline for applying to take the exam is April 30th. As of last week I still had three background courses to take, and I finished them all! Now I'm taking one more breastfeeding education class (all online) and am busy getting all of my paperwork together to send in the application. Like I said, I'm not sure where this feeling came from, but I'm so grateful to be taking care of what needs to be done and just generally feeling 'in the zone.'

In addition to doing this preparatory stuff for the exam, I also did some crafting. I purchased a sweater a few months ago and felted it right away. I just wasn't sure what I was going to create with it. I thought of a small purse, but couldn't decide how to cut the sweater so as to use the cool flowers on it. Finally I remembered the cool Lambkin pattern and realized the flowers would be so cute going across the lamb's back. Et voila! My lambkins:

The eyes are the buttons from the sweater.

I also did some embroidery. I bought some patterns from Sublime Stitching a few months ago after seeing one that Krista was working on. I am relatively pleased with the results, but this is something I definitely want to get better at!

Speaking of get-up-and-go--I really need to scoot out the door and get to work!

Spring Is...

a new pair of sneakers!

Fun prompt DebR! CAC

Getting to Know You - Let's go to the movies

Tammy is the new CAC guest-host for Wednesdays during April. Tammy loves movies and wants to hear about the movies we love.

Name your all-time favorite movie! (Or if you're like me, narrow it down to your top five!)

I'm all over the place- Roman Holiday and Pulp Fiction are two of my faves. My newest fave is the newest Bond movie, Casino Royale : )

What genre of movie do you like best?

drama or romantic comedy, but I love watching movies and will watch nearly anything. The only type I'm not really fond of are those dopey guy-type movies like Smokey and the Bandit, or American Lampoon.

What movie made you cry the most?

Lots of movies make me cry, but I think that Finding Neverland made me cry most. Runner up is probably Mrs. Doubtfire- yes, a comedy! Although my parents divorced many years before I saw this movie, it touched that part of me deeply, like a pin in a fresh wound.

Have you ever applauded during a movie in the theatre? Which one? If not, what would make you do that?

I did for Chicago- it felt like watching a musical at the theater, and it was so much fun. Everyone clapped.

Do you own any soundtracks from movies? Which is your favorite and why did the music inspire you?

I don't think I own too many. I do have the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. I love the songs and how they fit into the movie, and I love the bits of dialogue at the start of the songs. Oh, duh, I also have Chicago!


Is there a particular actor or actress who inspires you? Why do you like him or her?

Hmmm. Not sure about inspiring. I'm sure there are plenty of actors I like, but I can't think of any! I love Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. And Hugh Grant!

Is there a particular actor or actress who you just dislike and will not see their movies? Why?

I really dislike Tom Cruise. He has always struck me as a twerp, and his comments about depression did not raise my opinion of him. My one exception to this is that I love Jerry Maguire!

Have you ever dreamed of being an actor? Which role would be your dream role?

No way! I don't like being the center of attention or feeling like I'm being looked at.

If there was ever a movie made of your life, who should star as you? I can't think of any female actors at the moment except for Renee Zellwegger- I'm taller but I think she hit Bridget Jones so perfectly that she could capture my zany existence as well : )