Belated Thanks and things to be grateful for

Thank you, all of you, for your kind and dear comments. I know that I have friends in California, Oregon, Texas, Massachusetts, Spain, Australia, and more. I am truly grateful to all of you. I am going to try not to be so hard on myself- funny, isn't it, that I'm pretty good at not judging other people.

In reading your comments I realized that I have a hard time reading nice things about myself! And that because it makes me a little uncomfortable, I have delayed thanking some of you. My mother was very particular about sending thank you notes, so not thanking people for the beautiful things they've said about me makes me feel even more uncomfortable!

Thank you Bipolarlawyercook for posting about my photo blog, and for these kind words as well. It's hard for me to even read that second post, because posting empathetic comments is really important to me, and I totally blush knowing that you think I succeed at it. Being understood is so important to me, and I work hard at letting others know I understand them. Thank you.

Kiandra gave me an award. Again- so hard to read her wonderful words that are talking about me! Thank you!

When I had the chance to introduce myself to Suna I didn't- I was too shy/introverted/in awe of her. At that time I didn't know that she too is introverted and fights some of the same battles with her mind that I do. Thank you Suna for saying I make your day.

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On July 22nd, my sister had her second little boy. He's just gorgeous from photos and Skype, and we here in FL might burst before we get to meet him in October. And his big brother is doing a great job being gentle.

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One day I got to work early and noticed some flowers I'd never seen before.



I decided I'd take some pictures when I left for the day.



When I went to take the pictures, the flowers were gone!



They were back the next morning. These smartie Florida plants close up shop in the scorching heat, only sharing themselves during the relatively cool early hours.

Turn Back the Clock? No

My laptop is unwell- poor thing can't charge because the jack is wiggly. I've known this for a while and managed, but I think we're at the point of no return. I need to get it in for service.

In the meantime, thankfully, I have an older laptop from my Dad. When I turned it on so that Sam could play with a new program, there was a message about the time/date setting. I think the battery on this thing doesn't stay charged, or something. In any case, the date was set as January 1, 2000.

I turned that over in my mind a bit later, and realized, no, I wouldn't turn back time. Wouldn't change a thing. Have there been moments when I wished for a do-over? Oh yes. Of course. All in all though, I think it's been a good journey, and the now is good too. So I wouldn't do it over, and I'm happy to be in 2008 and not back in 2000.

My Heart is Full

Yesterday was the last day of school, and I spent a wonderful morning there. The school holds an awards program for 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades. Although I don't have a 5th grader, I had tears in my eyes as the principal said goodbye to them.

It was such a wonderful morning. My heart was full to bursting all day. Yes, I am proud of Sam for his accomplishments and the recognition he got from his teachers. More than that though, I am just full of love for our school, our teachers, and the wonderful, warm community that makes up our school. It was fabulous hearing about the successes the 5th graders had this year--one won a statewide essay contest, another won a statewide music competition, one young person has had straight A's since Kindergarten. I was so proud of them, their families, and their teachers.

After the awards assembly Sam's teacher invited parents back of to the classroom where he handed out class awards and spoke a few heartfelt words about each child. He is such a wonderful man, and it was great hearing him talk about each child and give them a hug. All of the children at our school hope that they will have him for third grade. I believe it is because they know that he genuinely enjoys and respects children. He loves his job, he's enthusiastic about teaching, and he helps his students be enthusiastic about reading. He got choked up when he was talking about Sam, and more than ever I wished that Sam could somehow stay in his class for another year. I know that Sam will be in a new classroom come August, and that there will be more adventures, learning, and love no matter who his teacher is.

In the afternoon I went to Maya's class luau. The kids were adorable, and the boys especially had a great time dancing. My sweet girl is so proud to be moving on to first grade. She's really grown a lot, and learned so very much. Tonight she came to me quietly crying; she was crying for her teacher, she misses her already. She sat on my lap and typed out an email to her.

It's been a fantastic school year. We're going to do a lot of fun stuff this summer, and then we'll be back at school ready for new experiences, challenges, and learning opportunities.

Ehh, so it ain't love Thursday anymore

How 'bout Love Friday?

We went to the beach on Monday and had a beautiful day.









This is what I see when I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I can feel the sun on my skin, the sand at my toes, and tension melts away.

My piece of the sky

My husband brought one of our lounge chairs from the backyard to the front yard. I've taken to finding a few minutes each day to sit on the chair under the camphor tree and gaze up at the sky.



It's been so delightful, to sit there and watch the leaves dance above my head. The orange blossoms perfume the air, and for a few minutes, it's just me and the earth.

The Proof is in the Pudding Cooking

As I mentioned on my photo blog, what a week it's been. Last weekend I was away on a business meeting. I returned late on Sunday evening, too late to read to the children before bed. Monday was generally like any other day after a trip, me scrambling to catch up on laundry, work, and to get things in order for the week ahead.

I checked our voice mail, and heard my mother-in-law saying that my father-in-law had had a stroke on Monday morning. I tried to reach my husband, but he wasn't in his office and he'd forgotten his cell phone at home. He eventually called, as he was going to stop at the grocery store on the way home. I told him to skip the store and come home, that his mother called, and his father was in the hospital. Obviously there would be no 'getting back to normal' this week.


I'm done transitioning off of paxil and onto zoloft. I am really, really grateful that I was done switching before now. It has been so much easier to handle. Of course in any family emergency I would do what needed to be done. But it would have been immeasurably harder on me to have my husband gone for most of the week. It is hard to describe how I can tell that the new medication is helping. For one, even in genuinely stressful situations, I'm not having the physical symptoms that I was having in the last few months even at the highest strength of paxil. No more heart pounding like a herd of horses. No more trouble feeling like I'm getting enough air, no more weird tingly sensation in my arms. But it's more than that. When the kids do or say something that is upsetting to me, I don't immediately flip out and start thinking "omgomg the sky is falling." I can think internally, "hmm, that is really annoying. I don't like it. But, it isn't the end of the world." and react accordingly. And more than that, I'm not reacting, I'm responding.

The other thing I noticed is that in the last year, give or take a few months, there have been recipes that I've thought, gee, I'd like to make that, but then not done a thing to accomplish that. I have made more new recipes in the last three weeks than I probably made all of last year. There's a lot of elements to this seemingly small thing. I'm committed to Weight Watchers. I know that I need to plan ahead in order to succeed. I need to plan ahead even more when my husband is away. We've also been trying to plan meals in order to shop more effectively and less expensively. Where the medicine comes in is my ability to actually follow through on these things. Yeah, I'm crossing my fingers that the medicine will continue to be this effective for a long, long time. I try to drown out the fact that I posted about recovering in October, only to end up feeling just as poorly as I did before that recovery, if not worse. I do think I understand myself and my disorder even more than I did in October, so I'll be keeping a close eye on how things are going, and hopefully won't let things get to the point they were last summer.

So for now, the proof is in the cooking.

Love Thursday

Lots of love this week, lots of love.



My boy



I love this whole drawing, but especially the way he portrayed the crowd in the stands.



Maya's really getting into drawing too.



happy animals



possessed animals?

Love Thursday

Jen Lemen posted about a new photo blog/website starting up. Some wonderful photographers are involved, and I was eager to check it out (besides the fact that I just might do anything that Jen Lemen recommends. I *heart* her). Today is Love Thursday on Shutter Sisters.



I took this picture of my nephew over the winter break. We were all down at grandma and grandpa's on the beach. He'd left this cape at their house over Columbus Day weekend, and was so thrilled to be reunited with it. He's an amazing little guy. He knew no English in March, when he was adopted by my sil and bil--you should hear him now. He's full of joy, and it has been a joy and a blessing to watch him grow and learn this year.

Some other things I loved today

• seeing a Bald Eagle soaring overhead on my lakeside walk this morning
• walking this morning :)
• watching Cattle Egrets and Tree Swallow on a bug-eating feeding frenzy on the lake shore
  
• my son hollering- come here mom, I need you- so that I'd hear a Maroon 5 song on the radio in his room
  

Thanks for your good thoughts in response to yesterday's post. I had a decent night's sleep, exercised, and have eaten well today. And now I see it is already midnight, so off to bed I go. If you are on the west coast or suffering from insomnia, do go check out the beautiful photos and posts on Shutter Sisters. You won't regret it.

Remembering

My paternal grandfather had one arm and one stump. "Stumpy," as he called it, was endlessly fascinating to us. I remember tenderly putting a bandaid on the end of the stump on more than one occasion as a kid.

Eventually I learned that Grandpa's arm no longer needed bandaids, since the amputation happened long before I was born. Grandpa lost his arm on Okinawa, in April of 1945. Grandpa's injury is a huge part of family lore, as he was very fortunate to make it back to the US at all. And without Grandpa, there'd be no Dad, no me, no sister.

Grandpa was on an army pickup truck getting ready to move. He'd loaned something to a friend, but volunteered to get off the truck to go and get it since his friend forgot to bring it with him. Someone else took the seat that Grandpa had, the seat against the driver's side of the cab. When Grandpa returned, he sat elsewhere in the back of the pickup. Moments later, shots were fired at the vehicle from the sky. The soldier who took my grandfather's seat was killed instantly.

Grandpa knew he'd been hit badly. He called a friend over, and asked him to remove his jacket (somehow he was on the ground at this point, I'm not sure if he was 'blown' out or if he somehow climbed down). When he did, his right arm came off with his jacket. His friend ran away at the sight, and my grandfather never knew what became of him. Another soldier came along and tied a tourniquet on his arm.

Besides losing his right arm, his elbow in his left arm was completely destroyed. It remained bent at an oddly crooked angle for the rest of his life. His legs were pockmarked from bullets that were never removed. The medical staff didn't believe he'd live, but somehow he kept surviving another day.

He was in a hospital on Guam. When they still weren't sure he was going to make it, they sent another wounded soldier on a ship back to the US. That ship was sunk on route to Hawaii. Eventually he made it to Hawaii, then the US, where he boarded a train going back east. He remembers the people in the Midwest who'd come to the train station because they knew returning vets were on the train. They'd cheer and send homemade goodies onto the train for them.

Eventually he was treated at Walter Reed, and then spent some time recovering in Virginia. My Grandma came down from Brooklyn, where she was living with her in-laws. She became pregnant with my father while Grandpa was recuperating :)

I have a copy of the telegram the army sent as well as two letters that an Army chaplain wrote on behalf of Grandpa. The last time I saw my Grandpa my son was about 1.5 years old. Grandpa had a feeling I might not see him again, since we were living in Florida and he in California. He told me to make sure I told my children about what he'd been through. I've shared his story, my old photocopies, and ration books my grandmother gave me. I've shown them the Purple Heart. One day I hope they'll want to hear his story in his own words, via a tape recording my Dad made.

I never realized that my grandfather would be considered 'disabled' until I was in college. He did just about everything, without the aid of a prosthetic arm. He had one at first, but never found it comfortable. The grandkids would shake their heads at photos of him with two arms- it looked so strange to us!

I hear about the young amputees coming back from Iraq. I know that they are fortunate to receive much more advanced medical care in the field than Grandpa did, not to mention robotic prostheses. And yet, I fear that many of them will be worse off than he was. Many of them have also sufferred traumatic brain injuries.

I don't know their names, but I hold them in my heart. I pray that they can go on and have as full a life as my grandfather did.

Dear Sister

Dear Sister-

You moved about a week ago. All this week on my way to work I'd reach for the phone to give you a call. Then I'd realize that you were on the other side of the Atlantic, starting your new adventure.

I miss you terribly, but that feeling is small in comparison to the joy I feel at knowing that you and your sweet boy are together again with your husband. I've been in awe of your strength during this challenging year.

I'm grateful for those snippets of conversation we have on gmail chat, and I know we'll have even more fun connecting via Skype. I swear, I'll install it after I get home from this trip.

The kids miss you and their cousin, but they are asking when we can visit. We'll be saving our pennies!

Love, your Sister

by the skin of my teeth!

Today I traveled to Washington, DC and went out to an amazing dinner with a friend. I was snuggling into bed and realized I hadn't posted yet, and since I don't want to forfeit NaBloPoMo on only the third day, dragged myself downstairs so I could pick up the wireless signal.

One of the groups I've joined at the NaBlo site at Ning is all of the different groups people have set up. One group I joined is 30 days of thanks.

Here are some things made me thankful this week:

• the birth of a good friend's beautiful baby girl
• a sister-in-law who is fun to travel with
• a friend who picked me up at the airport and took me to an amazing dinner
• a husband who encouraged me to take this trip even though I've been away several times this year