Have you ever felt like you are trying to stop the water from coming through the dam, only there are too many holes for you to keep up with? That's what the last two months or so have felt like for me. I can't keep up with all of these holes. As soon as one hole seems repaired I spring a leak somewhere else. It's been hard to keep my head above water.
In the past few weeks I've had to force myself out of bed, force myself to interact with my husband, my children, to make good on my responsibilities. I had to pretend everything was ok for my son's birthday party and my mom's visit, for my volunteering stint at the kids' camp.
I drove past a sign at the entrance to a senior's trailer park that said Wake Up--Survive--Go to Bed. That's pretty much what I was doing, and instead of laughing, as those who hung the letters intended, I cried. I was overwhelmed by everything. Irritable. Wondering how to get out of this place in my mind.
I've often wondered, why does life seem so much harder for me than for other people? Why can't I just be happy? And then quickly shushed myself, telling myself that I have a wonderful life which should make me very happy, and that there are so many others who live much harder lives.
My therapist tells me that I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was a kid, and that while I have felt the affects of this that I've coped really well throughout my life. I feel relieved to hear this. Yes, there is something wrong with me. I'm not imagining the difficulties I perceive. The stomach aches are real. The jittery and wiped out feelings after being in certain situations are real.
I've worked harder to find the ways to explain what I've been going through to my husband. I'm not just a bitchy person. When I freak out, it is my trying to deal with the overload in my head. When I do nothing, it is not because I'm lazy, but because I'm paralyzed and can't see a way out. I had to tell him things I was embarrassed about, like considering how to end the pain when medicine and therapy don't seem like enough.
Yesterday I started feeling more like myself. Still overwhelmed, still anxious. But I got some things done. I felt spring in my step instead of dread. I'm paralyzed today, looking around my home, it seems doubtful that any cleaning I do can make any sort of difference. I'm still hopeful though, and I know that somehow, I can get through this.