- swimmers are hot
- so are beach volleyball ladies
- hooray, school started Monday
- boo, day off for tropical storm fay
- hooray, they're back at school
- I have a lot of pictures to post on the other blog but haven't been on the computer as much lately
- why? Lots of books!
- husband has initiated some decluttering sessions- hooray hooray!
- marriage is hard
- so is parenting
Showing posts with label so love is hard and love is tough. Show all posts
Showing posts with label so love is hard and love is tough. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
If I Twittered
I'd say
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Fell off My Bike
Do you remember that moment when you learned to ride your bicycle when you realized you were actually doing it? And as you reveled in the air going through your hair you faltered just for a second and promptly fell on your head?
That's where I've been the past two weeks. June was great. Filled with a lot of fun stuff, maybe a little too full. I was handling things, staying positive, taking one day at a time instead of worrying about my month full of busy-ness, parenting in a way that is meaningful and important to me, and most of all cheering my switch to Zoloft. And then boom, I fell.
We did not spend an entire weekend at home in June, and we won't spend a single July weekend at home either. I think one of my keys to sanity is to have downtime at home. May was so busy with end of the school year activities and appointments; I was proud that instead of panicking 'how will I do it all' I just told myself to look no further than the day at hand. And it was fabulous. I felt so capable, so calm.
June brought Maya's dance recital (a wonderful, but long, long day), a trip to NY, a family birthday party to attend in Gainesville, and then July 4th with my in-laws. The laundry was piled up. Dishes were in the sink even though we were not home. The children, and everyone else for that matter, got on my nerves incessantly. Way too much yelling at the kids and arguing with Erik. Lots of eating anything that wasn't nailed down. I dreaded making the July 4th trip, being away from home, having to be social and cordial with others. Even my husband wondered if my medicine stopped working. I must have had a strange, faraway look on my face, as he doesn't always know when I'm feeling badly. Everything was just becoming too much.
I indulged in several naps on July 4th, and slept a bunch despite the various events we attended. When I woke up on the 5th things didn't seem as awful as they had the whole week had. The rest of the weekend was nice, and when we got home I started in on the mountain of laundry. I'm still feeling more irritated by little things than I'd like to be, the house is messier than I'd like (yep, dishes still in sink. At least they're different dishes than before.), but for the most part I feel like I've climbed my way out of this hole. We're heading out on a roadtrip on Saturday. I'm feeling ok about the packing.
I'm reminding myself to return to basics. To remember hope. To enjoy the small things. To let go of perfection.
That's where I've been the past two weeks. June was great. Filled with a lot of fun stuff, maybe a little too full. I was handling things, staying positive, taking one day at a time instead of worrying about my month full of busy-ness, parenting in a way that is meaningful and important to me, and most of all cheering my switch to Zoloft. And then boom, I fell.
We did not spend an entire weekend at home in June, and we won't spend a single July weekend at home either. I think one of my keys to sanity is to have downtime at home. May was so busy with end of the school year activities and appointments; I was proud that instead of panicking 'how will I do it all' I just told myself to look no further than the day at hand. And it was fabulous. I felt so capable, so calm.
June brought Maya's dance recital (a wonderful, but long, long day), a trip to NY, a family birthday party to attend in Gainesville, and then July 4th with my in-laws. The laundry was piled up. Dishes were in the sink even though we were not home. The children, and everyone else for that matter, got on my nerves incessantly. Way too much yelling at the kids and arguing with Erik. Lots of eating anything that wasn't nailed down. I dreaded making the July 4th trip, being away from home, having to be social and cordial with others. Even my husband wondered if my medicine stopped working. I must have had a strange, faraway look on my face, as he doesn't always know when I'm feeling badly. Everything was just becoming too much.
I indulged in several naps on July 4th, and slept a bunch despite the various events we attended. When I woke up on the 5th things didn't seem as awful as they had the whole week had. The rest of the weekend was nice, and when we got home I started in on the mountain of laundry. I'm still feeling more irritated by little things than I'd like to be, the house is messier than I'd like (yep, dishes still in sink. At least they're different dishes than before.), but for the most part I feel like I've climbed my way out of this hole. We're heading out on a roadtrip on Saturday. I'm feeling ok about the packing.
I'm reminding myself to return to basics. To remember hope. To enjoy the small things. To let go of perfection.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Accentuate the Positive
This morning we were all a bit rough around the edges. Sam hasn't been to school since Friday; apparently he forgot the morning routine. Finally they were deposited at school- after having returned home for the forgotten guitar, and I was on my way to weight watchers.
As I settle in for the meeting and some much needed encouragement on the weight loss front, my phone rings. It is Erik, who simply said "I just had to check on our most important team member." Whoosh! All that morning roughness gone! Weight gain blues gone! I think this one call, these words, will be cherished even more than any gift the family might give me on Sunday.
As I settle in for the meeting and some much needed encouragement on the weight loss front, my phone rings. It is Erik, who simply said "I just had to check on our most important team member." Whoosh! All that morning roughness gone! Weight gain blues gone! I think this one call, these words, will be cherished even more than any gift the family might give me on Sunday.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Control
I have a control problem. I want to be in control-I want things to be how I envision them. But I also want someone to take care of things for me. I've let my husband take care of certain things (by let I mean I allowed myself to let go of being in control) and then ended up frustrated because they didn't turn out how I wanted them to be. Yet I don't seem to have the...ability? stamina? discipline? to make things turn out how I want them. So I end up not taking any steps towards what I'd like to see at all.
There are some things I've been able to let go of. I finally stopped organizing our pots and pans in their drawer, because I was the only one putting them away so neatly, or in a certain order. And guess what, they still all fit in the drawer. It bugs me that the drawer is a mess, and I think it is more efficient to have it organized, but I am not irritated when Erik puts a pan where it 'doesn't belong' any more. Same for the dishwasher. I would often re-arrange what Erik loaded because I think my way is better, but I'm trying to let go of that. I mean, who cares how it is as long as they get clean, right? I have hard time watching Erik do laundry as well. But the reality is that the clothing ends up just as clean when it's sorted willy-nilly as it does when I sort according to my standards.
All of this ties into anxiety and perfectionism. I'm learning that two steps forward, one step back can result in progress, not failure. The journey is important too- who cares if things are the way I want them, if I have to be miserable getting there? Isn't it better to have a relaxed, fun day where things get part way accomplished? It's a hard lesson, and it isn't easy for me to take baby steps. I'm figuring out how to sit with my feelings when I feel uncomfortable inside, instead of freaking out. Wish me luck!
There are some things I've been able to let go of. I finally stopped organizing our pots and pans in their drawer, because I was the only one putting them away so neatly, or in a certain order. And guess what, they still all fit in the drawer. It bugs me that the drawer is a mess, and I think it is more efficient to have it organized, but I am not irritated when Erik puts a pan where it 'doesn't belong' any more. Same for the dishwasher. I would often re-arrange what Erik loaded because I think my way is better, but I'm trying to let go of that. I mean, who cares how it is as long as they get clean, right? I have hard time watching Erik do laundry as well. But the reality is that the clothing ends up just as clean when it's sorted willy-nilly as it does when I sort according to my standards.
All of this ties into anxiety and perfectionism. I'm learning that two steps forward, one step back can result in progress, not failure. The journey is important too- who cares if things are the way I want them, if I have to be miserable getting there? Isn't it better to have a relaxed, fun day where things get part way accomplished? It's a hard lesson, and it isn't easy for me to take baby steps. I'm figuring out how to sit with my feelings when I feel uncomfortable inside, instead of freaking out. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Closer, Together
There have been a lot of frustrated people in our house over the past year. Well, four of us to be exact. The kids would be kids, my cup would run over with anxiety, Erik would try to step in and fix things, and everyone would stomp off to their corner. Erik and I didn't get along much better than all four of us did. Yikes!
Even before I started feeling better, things began to improve when I understood more about what was going on with myself. I do a lot of thinking, but don't always share, even with my husband. I've realized (duh!) that I need to share what is going on inside, or he's not going to be able to help me, or even to understand why I act the way I do. I need to be mindful of my thought processes, talk back to myself when the automatic thoughts are wrong, and share those inner thoughts when the going is tough. This experience has brought us closer together.
From the depths it wasn't always easy to see all he was doing for me. I know I said some of this a few posts ago, but I really wanted to write something specifically thanking and recognizing Erik. (and was further pushed to do so by OMSH.) Without either of us really saying, my gosh, something not so great is going on here, he took over bedtime this summer, and took over dinner prep as well. Never once did he say, for heaven's sake woman, why can't you get out of bed and start dinner? Can't you read a goodnight story to one of the kids? Nope, he just went and took care of things.
Erik, when we met I was so intrigued by your laid back nature. I always hoped some of it would rub off on me. Sadly I think more of my high strung nature has rubbed off on you than the reverse, but we still make a great team. I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and it may seem that I don't always appreciate all you do for us. Thank you for loving me.
*********************************************************
PS: I passed!
Even before I started feeling better, things began to improve when I understood more about what was going on with myself. I do a lot of thinking, but don't always share, even with my husband. I've realized (duh!) that I need to share what is going on inside, or he's not going to be able to help me, or even to understand why I act the way I do. I need to be mindful of my thought processes, talk back to myself when the automatic thoughts are wrong, and share those inner thoughts when the going is tough. This experience has brought us closer together.
From the depths it wasn't always easy to see all he was doing for me. I know I said some of this a few posts ago, but I really wanted to write something specifically thanking and recognizing Erik. (and was further pushed to do so by OMSH.) Without either of us really saying, my gosh, something not so great is going on here, he took over bedtime this summer, and took over dinner prep as well. Never once did he say, for heaven's sake woman, why can't you get out of bed and start dinner? Can't you read a goodnight story to one of the kids? Nope, he just went and took care of things.
Erik, when we met I was so intrigued by your laid back nature. I always hoped some of it would rub off on me. Sadly I think more of my high strung nature has rubbed off on you than the reverse, but we still make a great team. I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and it may seem that I don't always appreciate all you do for us. Thank you for loving me.
*********************************************************
PS: I passed!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back
up and down up and down. My mooods have always been that way. I think I have a little less swing as I've gotten older and learned more about myself, but sometimes I just can't help it.
This week is one of those weeks. So many things to feel up about, but yesterday has pretty much negated the up feeling. I had a terrible time with my son yesterday afternoon. It is hard to even contemplate. I did apologize for my inappropriate actions; he did too, and I am hoping he understands a little better what we ask of him. I do think there is something deeper going on with him, which is a reminder that I need to be present for him in the afternoon, instead of getting caught up in my own things.
I also had a terrible fight with my husband. I regretted a lot of what I said. I apologized when I realized the damage I had done. I was also able to apologize this morning for the whole thing. I'm not much of a kidder. I tend not to like silly jokes, and I've been called "too serious" often. He'd made a comment that just set me off after a bad day. After a night's sleep I was able to acknowledge that it was a harmless comment and that I didn't need to let my emotions run away with themselves like that. That is a step in the right direction, as I'm usually unable to recognize that what I've done maybe wasn't necessary. And if I do recognize it, I have a damn hard time admitting it!
I haven't been doing my grateful journal every night for the past few nights. And for a lifelong pessimist I have definitely found keeping track of what I'm grateful for useful. I will make sure to do it tonight.
When I go home this afternoon (soon!), I will be present with the kids. I will not try to get other things done (well, I might crochet in their presence, but that's ok, right?). I want to be fun mommy, not raging, raving lunatic mommy.
Ok, so three steps forward, two steps back, and maybe another one forward.
This week is one of those weeks. So many things to feel up about, but yesterday has pretty much negated the up feeling. I had a terrible time with my son yesterday afternoon. It is hard to even contemplate. I did apologize for my inappropriate actions; he did too, and I am hoping he understands a little better what we ask of him. I do think there is something deeper going on with him, which is a reminder that I need to be present for him in the afternoon, instead of getting caught up in my own things.
I also had a terrible fight with my husband. I regretted a lot of what I said. I apologized when I realized the damage I had done. I was also able to apologize this morning for the whole thing. I'm not much of a kidder. I tend not to like silly jokes, and I've been called "too serious" often. He'd made a comment that just set me off after a bad day. After a night's sleep I was able to acknowledge that it was a harmless comment and that I didn't need to let my emotions run away with themselves like that. That is a step in the right direction, as I'm usually unable to recognize that what I've done maybe wasn't necessary. And if I do recognize it, I have a damn hard time admitting it!
I haven't been doing my grateful journal every night for the past few nights. And for a lifelong pessimist I have definitely found keeping track of what I'm grateful for useful. I will make sure to do it tonight.
When I go home this afternoon (soon!), I will be present with the kids. I will not try to get other things done (well, I might crochet in their presence, but that's ok, right?). I want to be fun mommy, not raging, raving lunatic mommy.
Ok, so three steps forward, two steps back, and maybe another one forward.
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