Friday, November 23, 2007

My Daughter is Kicking my Ass these Days

She wants more of me; scratch that. She wants all of me. It isn't enough to sit on the couch with me, she has to be touching me. We can't sit at a table together, we must be on the same side of the table. And then she'll get up and stand between our chairs, because "mommy, I want to beeee with you." "Mommy, I neeeeed you" is the constant refrain.

Most of the time no one else is good enough. I should be sitting here giving thanks that she happily went with Dad and Grandpa on a volunteer assignment this morning, and that she let Dad put her to sleep. Instead I sit here in fear, wondering how tomorrow will be.

I worry about my daughter. She has these tremendous emotional eruptions. She goes from sweet and loving one minute to a tornado of rage the next. Heaven forbid someone other than mom try to talk to her during those moments. Lots of grunting or shrieking. Or maybe some wildly swinging arms. This is so very much fun to explain to grandparents, or say, guests at Thanksgiving who've never met her.

Is she going to have a lifetime of emotional difficulty? Can I help her learn to handle her emotions? I work so hard at keeping my cool, so hard at modeling my emotions for her, and I'm not sure I get anywhere.

I'll keep at it though. My parents were seemingly oblivious to my anxiety. I owe it to little Jennifer to do my best by Maya.


Suna said...

You describe my goals for my youngest very well. No one helped me with my issues (same as yours) and by gosh I am going to be there for him and give him the help he needs. We spent a lot of money and effort for a couple of years, but wow, he seems so much better now. It's worth it.

k said...

oh wow- she sounds so much like George.

I imagine that your efforts do make an impact, and provide her with an environment where she can be who she is, and learn how to handle her emotions... slowly. It's a long slow process, this learning how to deal with emotions...

nyjlm said...

suna- thank you for the encouragement. I do need to hear that someone has come out the other side. I keep hearing from professionals that b/c she doesn't do this stuff at school that she is ok (ie, not in need of professional help). However, I am freaking exhausted!

Krista- You know, when she was btwn 3-4 I had really good skills for dealing with her tantrums. I felt skilled anyhow- like I was riding a wave. Now, I'm just sapped I guess. Yesterday was better. Hmm, you know, I think it feels worse when I resist. When I can just expect what I need to do and be for her it goes more smoothly.

Magpie said...

How old is she? Mine flips and flops like that too - she just turned four.

PS - saw your comment at BLC about the Dead - my husband also loves them and wishes I did. Not happening!

nyjlm said...

Magpie, mine is going to be 6 in Jan. Going on 21 in her own mind lol.

LOL about the Dead. Oh man. How many times have I been begged to go see Ratdog and who knows what else. No!