Full on Freakout Averted

So I was clearly starting to lose it last night. I think I only ended up with about 5.5 hours of sleep, and when the kids woke me to solve some dispute I had the same headache I went to bed with. Before I went to bed, my husband did reassure me that things would be ok today, and then he stayed up later and washed dishes. Yay!

I grabbed a journal this morning when we left the house, and I gave my pen a workout in the car. Here is some of what I wrote.

***

We're heading to religious school at synagogue. My head throbs, and I'm thirsty. My body has been in flux this week--not totally sure if it wants to menstruate or not. I'm kind of over that! Decide already body!

I'm worried about how I'm going to handle the five 4-6 year olds in my class this morning, and how much more wiped out I'll be when class is over. How hard it will be to come home and accomplish the tasks I wanted to do yesterday. Cleaning. Laundry. Maybe even sewing.

Last night I intended to finish editing a letter and return it to the author, post on the blog, and read the Yiddish Policeman's Union. Instead I hit refresh endless times on my email, read blogs and nytimes.com, and then hit refresh some more.

At 11:30 I was finally finished with the editing, and posted to the blog. My husband woke up around midnight, and we talked and watched tv. I shared my frustration with myself. At letting the day pass through my fingers. At not being present for the kids, him, for myself. For squandering opportunity, and time. How my head hurt from lack of sleep.

Now we're at temple and I'm waiting for my turn to teach. I'm relieved. Only two of my kids are here (and one is my daughter). I'm feeling much more optimistic about going home and getting back on track.

***

Erik helped me out with the two kids who were present today, and after a story we made some cool prints using homemade stamps. I used cardboard and styrofoam to create some Chanukah shapes. Next week we'll turn our prints into cards. At one point Erik said "Imagine all five of them were here?" Yes, I can imagine, and I'm thankful that it was a small group today. Although of course I feel bad about the kids who missed out.

Erik planned ahead for lunch; the kids got report cards last week. They had a coupon for a free meal at *gasp* McDonald's! It worked out really well for us today, I have to admit. We came home, and set to work on doing more laundry, putting laundry away, and tidying up. We're not ready for House Beautiful, but we've regained just enough control to help me feel better. And that is priceless.