I said goodbye to someone today, someone I'd always hoped would become a good friend. She's been our amazing children's room librarian for the past few years. We'd talk and I'd find myself wishing I could ask her out for coffee or something. I'm just missing that friendship gene or something- I have no idea how to make that leap from acquaintance to friend.
I was a bit of a shrew this afternoon with the kids. I managed to cook some very yummy corn soup (a weight watchers recipe) before totally losing it and taking a xanax. I lay down to nurse my bruised heart; Erik came home. There were tears, a back rub and even a little bit of feeling better.
I feel sad that she won't be at the library when we visit. I'm sick that I never took the jump and invited her and her husband to dinner. I'm sad for friendships that I've had, but no longer have- like every close and meaningful friendship I ever had in college. Adding fuel to this nostalgic fire is a mix tape that a college friend made for me. Erik came across it tonight, and hearing it play I'm missing my friend Kurt, remembering the time we danced to Deee-Lite at Wigstock. I wonder what these old friends are up to, and because I can't help myself, wonder how lame my years since college would seem against the accomplishments I imagine they've filled their cv's with.
I really wanted to figure out this friends thing this summer. I wanted to have people over, couples I think my husband and I would both enjoy getting to know as more than "Maya and Sam's mom and dad." We have a few more weeks till school starts, and this weekend I am going to formulate a plan for at least one get together before then.
edited to add: there've been a few times this summer when I've read a blog post and just felt heartbroken. Usually when one blogger that I really admire and feel a kinship with mentions their friendship with another blogger that I really admire. I'm so jealous, wanting to be their friend so badly, wanting them to know how much their writing resonates with me. It's silly, and yet not silly. Where are my soul-sisters? Where's my tribe? And more often than not- what is wrong with me?