Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Missed Opportunity and a Sad, Sad Heart

I said goodbye to someone today, someone I'd always hoped would become a good friend. She's been our amazing children's room librarian for the past few years. We'd talk and I'd find myself wishing I could ask her out for coffee or something. I'm just missing that friendship gene or something- I have no idea how to make that leap from acquaintance to friend.

I was a bit of a shrew this afternoon with the kids. I managed to cook some very yummy corn soup (a weight watchers recipe) before totally losing it and taking a xanax. I lay down to nurse my bruised heart; Erik came home. There were tears, a back rub and even a little bit of feeling better.

I feel sad that she won't be at the library when we visit. I'm sick that I never took the jump and invited her and her husband to dinner. I'm sad for friendships that I've had, but no longer have- like every close and meaningful friendship I ever had in college. Adding fuel to this nostalgic fire is a mix tape that a college friend made for me. Erik came across it tonight, and hearing it play I'm missing my friend Kurt, remembering the time we danced to Deee-Lite at Wigstock. I wonder what these old friends are up to, and because I can't help myself, wonder how lame my years since college would seem against the accomplishments I imagine they've filled their cv's with.

I really wanted to figure out this friends thing this summer. I wanted to have people over, couples I think my husband and I would both enjoy getting to know as more than "Maya and Sam's mom and dad." We have a few more weeks till school starts, and this weekend I am going to formulate a plan for at least one get together before then.

edited to add: there've been a few times this summer when I've read a blog post and just felt heartbroken. Usually when one blogger that I really admire and feel a kinship with mentions their friendship with another blogger that I really admire. I'm so jealous, wanting to be their friend so badly, wanting them to know how much their writing resonates with me. It's silly, and yet not silly. Where are my soul-sisters? Where's my tribe? And more often than not- what is wrong with me?


Miss Dot said...

repeat after me "there is nothing wrong with me, I am just fine the way I am"

adena said...

First of all, so glad to have you back and writing! Second of all, you are always SO HARD ON YOURSELF! It's HARD to make friends, especially as an adult. There is no gene. It just takes luck, courage, and good timing. Please stop beating yourself up. Maybe next time, you will push yourself a bit more, but beating yourself up won't help. P.S. If I lived near you, I'd be your friend!

Suna said...

Well, uh, once again I find myself nodding and agreeing. I seem OK at making good online friends, but suck at doing it in person. We keep wanting to have people over to dinner...but that never seems to work out right. I want deep and meaningful friendships and I just have a dickens of a time making them, then keeping them if I make them. Sigh. I just keep being friendly and enjoying the people I meet briefly (I've been doing some software training, and the best part has been talking to the students on breaks).

cathy said...

I relate to this, too.

Adena is right. You are very hard on yourself. You're blaming yourself instead of taking the next small step forward.

For me -- every time I try to make plans with someone I want to get to know -- something comes up with the kid, and I have to cancel.

Am I supposed to wait until she's ten to have friends again?

FWIW, I often wish I lived near you and could invite you over to teach me to make challah or do some art.

Kiandra said...

first off...consider me one of those friends. i know, i know we live on opposite sides of the country, but hey friends are friends.

second off...don't be so stinking hard on yourself. your a wonderful person, and like adena said it is hard to make friends as an adult.

if it means anything, i have tons of "friends" associates, but when it comes down to it, all my real "friends" are family members who live far. i have no one to go to chick flicks with, no one over for dinner, and no mutual friends with kids to have play dates and such.

but all in all, its okay. my husband has 0 friends. 0, none, nothing, no one besides me and the kids. and thats the way he likes it. he never tries, thinks about or considers the idea of friends.

its okay...some of us are "friends" people and some of us are not. i don't know where i fit, because in the end i rarely let many people in...i prefer "associates" and those few friends i have...let me count....1 or maybe 2, who are not family members, i.e. my sister, mama, grandma, cousin...are guys. my closest relationships are always with guys. i can hang with a "dude" from here to eternity...but in the end...i love being at home couped up with something creative in my hands and mind.

your a beautiful person...and i promise you there is nothing wrong with you. at all. period.

cathy said...

You know, I thought about you and this post all day. I like what kiandra says, too. She conveyed her real connection to you -- despite the miles. I feel that with you, too.

When you have been in the library, you've been there with your kids. I'm sure it would have been much harder to break away from that and try to establish a different level of connection with the librarian.

Also, I empathize with your sadness. This part of motherhood is the hardest for me. I miss my friendships. I miss the flexibility I had to meet up with kindred spirits.

Sarah said...

Same boat as you. It is so hard to make friends as adults. I try to live by the motto to have no regrets and expect rejection sometimes. It takes some guts to ask someone to have coffee only to hear how busy they are, they'd love to but... It takes a while to get a good connection with someone but when you do, it will be worth it. Hang in there. I consider you one of my online friends!