I did it!!!

I feel like Dora the Explorer, I'm going around singing "I did it. I did it! I did it. Yeah!"

Oh, what did I do? On Monday I took the lactation consultant board certification exam. I won't get results till October, but I feel that I did really well. I was excited and smiling even as working on the exam. When I got home my family had a little party for me :)

I've had so many things I've wanted to write about the past few weeks but was spending my time studying and attending a breastfeeding/parenting conference. The conference was wonderful and I heard some amazing speakers like Dr. James McKenna, Dr. Nils Bergman, Ina May Gaskin, Dr. Peter Hartmann, and Dr. Miriam Labbok. Everything I heard reinforced my studying and left me feeling great.

There are just a few weeks left before school begins again here in Florida. We'll be spending quite a bit of time with family. I'm looking forward to catching up on some things at home and settling down to do some sewing and other craft projects.

Kids Plan a Dinner Party

Anne Marie at Readable Feast is sharing writing invitations this summer. Sam is pretty self-motivated as far as doing summer reading and writing goes, but I thought it would be fun to pose some of the questions to both of the kids.

Last week I asked both of them who from the past or the present they'd invite to a dinner party. I loved their answers.

Sam, age 8:

• George Lucas
• Frank Oz (voice of Yoda)
• The Beatles

Maya, age 5.5

• Britney, her best friend
• Bono
• JD Fortune (new singer for INXS)
• the person who plays Ariel the Little Mermaid
• Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia, after prompting from her brother

I love it! I think I'll try to ask them every few years to see how their answers change.

Bonus conversation:
Maya- I love you Mama (for the hundredth time that day)
Me- I love you too Maya
Maya- I even love you when you're upset with me.
Me- I love you all the time too, Maya.

a few crafty bits

Finished the doll for my nephew

A shirred shirt for Maya

Not perfect, but it was fun to learn to sew with elastic thread. from directions in sew simple magazine and House on Hill Road tutorial

A few books I'm loving right now

How is it possible that I haven't added Crazy Aunt Purl to my Google Reader? She's so fabulously funny, and you know I could always use a nudge towards laughter.

GTKY via Birthdays

Groovyholly asks about birthdays at CAC

1) What is your most memorable birthday? Tell us what you remember, your feelings, why it stands out in your mind.

Oooh, this would have to be the year my parents threw me a surprise party! I think I was in 1st grade. My parents got me out of the house by sending me on an errand with my dad. They told me my aunt was going away and wanted me to have my present before my birthday, before she left. We got to her apartment and no one was home. I was *so* disappointed! I couldn't believe my Aunt Ilene would have left before we got there.

I was totally dejected on the way home. Then we opened the front door of our apartment and "SUPRISE"! It was great. And Aunt Ilene, and my gift, were there.

2) What is the best gift you've received for your birthday? Gah. That's a hard one. I probably cherish the notes from my children the most- love that early handwriting! The one gift I totally remember receiving in childhood was actually for Chanukah- a Barbie 'head' that you put makeup on.

3) How do you celebrate July 4 or July 1? We are usually with family. Most years since my first was born we've gone to the Sanibel 4th of July parade with my in-laws. This year my sister and her son (18 mos) came to visit us in FL. Even though the poor little guy had an ear infection he had a fun time with his cousins- and of course it is so much fun for us to get to know him better!

4) What do you value most about where you live? Freedom.
What do you do to show your appreciation? I vote.

On the Plus side

Somehow through these dark moments I've been doing really well on Weight Watchers. Ordinarily I would eat everything in sight in order to bury the bad feelings. Attending meetings, as opposed to do it online, has really been good. I'm applying more of what I've learned, and really feel like I can do this. Yeah!

My sister and my nephew are coming for a visit on Friday. I can't wait to see them, and to see our kids play together! The baby is 18 months old and is going through a vocabulary explosion. Should be fun!

Fixing Leaks

Have you ever felt like you are trying to stop the water from coming through the dam, only there are too many holes for you to keep up with? That's what the last two months or so have felt like for me. I can't keep up with all of these holes. As soon as one hole seems repaired I spring a leak somewhere else. It's been hard to keep my head above water.

In the past few weeks I've had to force myself out of bed, force myself to interact with my husband, my children, to make good on my responsibilities. I had to pretend everything was ok for my son's birthday party and my mom's visit, for my volunteering stint at the kids' camp.

I drove past a sign at the entrance to a senior's trailer park that said Wake Up--Survive--Go to Bed. That's pretty much what I was doing, and instead of laughing, as those who hung the letters intended, I cried. I was overwhelmed by everything. Irritable. Wondering how to get out of this place in my mind.

I've often wondered, why does life seem so much harder for me than for other people? Why can't I just be happy? And then quickly shushed myself, telling myself that I have a wonderful life which should make me very happy, and that there are so many others who live much harder lives.

My therapist tells me that I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was a kid, and that while I have felt the affects of this that I've coped really well throughout my life. I feel relieved to hear this. Yes, there is something wrong with me. I'm not imagining the difficulties I perceive. The stomach aches are real. The jittery and wiped out feelings after being in certain situations are real.

I've worked harder to find the ways to explain what I've been going through to my husband. I'm not just a bitchy person. When I freak out, it is my trying to deal with the overload in my head. When I do nothing, it is not because I'm lazy, but because I'm paralyzed and can't see a way out. I had to tell him things I was embarrassed about, like considering how to end the pain when medicine and therapy don't seem like enough.

Yesterday I started feeling more like myself. Still overwhelmed, still anxious. But I got some things done. I felt spring in my step instead of dread. I'm paralyzed today, looking around my home, it seems doubtful that any cleaning I do can make any sort of difference. I'm still hopeful though, and I know that somehow, I can get through this.

Goodbyes

I've never been good at goodbye. At the end of our annual visit to my grandparents in San Diego I would be in tears as we said goodbye before leaving for the airport. My parents would want one more picture, and I would inevitably be in tears.

Tonight we called my husband's sister and her family. Tomorrow they are moving from a town 2.5 hours away from us to Hawaii. When we saw them a few weeks ago I was very standoffish. I couldn't bear being close to them that weekend, knowing I'd have to say goodbye soon. Tonight I apologized for acting like a jerk when we had time together, and of course burst into tears. She's not just my sister-in-law, she's my friend. We can talk about pretty much anything. She may not have lived in my town for the past few years, but she is pretty much my closest friend geographically.

It's true what they say about anger--there is usually another emotion behind it. I thought I was angry at them, but truly, I'm just oh-so-sad.

Friendship Part II

When I wrote about Friendship the other day, I meant to talk about a theory of mine. I think that the internet is full of other folks who have a hard time making or keeping friends, with introverted people who want connection with other, but who need lots of time alone.

I met many women with new babies in the summer of 1999 online, when my son was born. Several of them have become my closest friends. We've met in RL, our families know and love each other too. We've been through subsequent pregnancies, and all kinds of ups and downs together. I'm so grateful I have them. But I still really yearn for someone who lives nearby, in the same county if not in the same town.

I took a step this week. I volunteered at my kids' camp for the past two weeks. The teacher I was helping was really fun to hang out with. I gave her my number and email address. I'm hoping we can get together and develop a friendship. I really hope to hear from her, but if not at least I've learned that it isn't so scary to try.

Blogging to Know You

This week's Getting to Know You is about blogging!

When did you begin your first blog and what inspired you to do so?
I started this blog in November, after reading Fussy's idea for NaBloPoMo. I enjoy writing but didn't often take the time to do personal writing.

Do you have more than one blog? Why? How are they different?
Nope, just the one : )

How would you characterize your blog?
Creative
Political
Informational
Community-oriented
Or something else?
Hmm, a little bit crafty, a little bit mama-blog, a little bit mental health.

To paraphrase Oprah, what is "one thing you know for sure" about blogging?
I know that I've 'met' some pretty cool people blogging!
Is it important to you to get feedback in terms of comments or pings? Why or why not?
I love getting comments, I won't lie. It is nice to feel that someone out there is listening. Even without comments blogging is so valuable. It is something I make time for, for myself. It gives me a chance to write things I'm thinking about, when I might not pull out pen and paper to do so.
What 3 blogs would you recommend to our readers and why?
Hmm, three. This is going to be tough!
One of my favorite's is Krista's blog, The Silent K. She moves and inspires me with every post.
The Living Classroom is the journal of an amazing K-1 teacher. It is wonderful to read about her school and her students.
Shiso Mama is the blog of a wonderful, creative mama. She creates beautiful collages. Check it out! She shares photos and stories of her adorable and fashionable son, Otis.

Friendship

When I was a kid, my mother was always reassuring me that the day would come when making friends would be easier for me. Don't worry, she'd say, there are more kids in High School. Then, oh, in college you'll meet people you have more in common with. When you're a parent you'll meet lots of people in your new town.

Caroline at Potato Prints wrote about friendship today. Her drawing really resonates with me. Looking from the outside in, wanting to be a part of that closeness, or fun, and yet being too scared to step forward. It is so lonely.

When commenting to Caroline I realize: I've lived here for eight years. I don't think 'I'm new in town' is my problem anymore. My son is entering third grade and my daughter will attend kindergarten at the same school next year. I know friends won't just jump out and attach themselves to me. I do feel like I'm different than most people here. I grew up in a big city, most folks grew up in this small town. I encounter many folks who've learned racist attitudes from their parents. I cannot get close to someone who believes that type of thing. Where is my bosom buddy?

My daughter is very extroverted. I've had to stretch my boundaries for her. I need to do it more. It is hard for me to arrange play dates for my kids, and yet, how will they learn about friendship if I don't make it possible for them? Yes, they play with kids at school and camp, but we don't often have a child over to play.

Somehow I need to push myself out of this friendless zone, for myself.

Color Me Happy Swaparooni

Looking for a fun swap? Consider joining OMSH's Color Me Happy Swaparooni. Colors for June are Orange and Yellow.

Check out the Flickr Group for info on joining.
I got some great stuff from Frugalmom
for the Pink and Green swap in May:

Celebrate Eight

Cake


Singing


Wishing


Happy


Pinata

Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday

Charlotte is the June host for CAC's Getting to Know You Day. Here is her fun prompt for today:

Where were you in 1987? In school? Working? Single? Married? Attached? What was important to you? What were you doing creatively? Tell us a bit about your life then.

In 1987 I was a junior in high school. I'd never had a boyfriend. My high school was huge, about 4000 kids, but I was in a small program within the school and took classes with the same 20 or so kids. By junior year we were like a big family. Our homeroom teacher was the best, he really took care of us. Being, um, nerdy we sometimes wanted to be marked absent from school so we could skip some of our classes to go home and study. So Mr. Larsen would mark us absent, we'd go to the class the exam was going to be in, and then go home to study. Being absent was less problematic than skipping. High School was more fun than Middle School, but looking back I still think of feeling nervous all the time.

Although I've always enjoyed creating things I was not involved in any crafty activities at the time.

Where were you in 1997? What would you like to share about the nineties?

In 1997 I was living in the greater Orlando area with my husband. We were just starting to think about trying to have a baby. I was still becoming adjusted to life in Florida :) Since we'd moved to Florida I'd been working in retail. By November of '97 I'd had enough, and when my dad offered me a job I took it. This November I'll have worked for him for ten years!

I think the 90's were about transition for me. I stopped being a student upon graduation from NYU. I moved to a new state for the first time in my life. I got married and we bought a home.

Where did you plan to be or think you'd be in 2007? Have your realized your goals? What is one thing about your present life you love and one you'd like to change?

I don't think I had any plans for 2007 : ) I've been going along with the flow for quite a while now (even when going with the flow has simply meant dealing with life as it is, anxiety and all). We have two wonderful (most of the time!) children. I'm working towards some goals now. I'm still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up : )

One thing I want to change is my work. Working for my dad has been great on many levels- my babies came to work with me. I can go to the store on my way to work. I can leave early for a doctor's appointment. But my father's work is his dream, not mine. It is awkward for me at times- he's so happy to have me at work, to know that he can count on me. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of enthusiasm for the work I'm doing. And that makes it very hard for me to get things done.

How do you see your life in 2017? Do you have any goals or dreams for your future?

I want to continue to learn and do new creative and crafty things. I hope to explore many things with my children and my husband- new countries, new adventures, plenty of travel. I hope that by 2017 I'll either be in school learning a new career or already working at one : ). Aaaack! I think in 2017 my oldest will be applying to college. Eeek. Can't think about that--he's turning 8 tomorrow!

The Things Kids Say

The scene: in the car on the last day of school, two weeks ago

Son: (excitedly) Mom, I'm going to third grade! My report card says I'm promoted!

Mom: (smiling bemusedly) That's awesome!

Photo Thursday

mayafirehose
Originally uploaded by nyjlm.

Ninotchka's theme for this week was water. I was thinking I didn't have anything very recent to share, but then I remembered

On the next to last day of school, the preschoolers got to go to the firehouse, which is across the street from the elementary school. One of the teachers at the school is a member of our volunteer fire dept, so they got to check all sorts of things out, including one of the smaller hoses :)

I took a bunch of shots of Maya and her friends using the hose, but I liked this one best because of the smile on her face.

The Infamous Proust Questionnaire

Whoa, Nellie! Paintergirl has come up with some toughies for her last Getting to Know You

* Your most marked characteristic? intensity
* The quality you most like in a man? tenderness
* The quality you most like in a woman? determination
* What do you most value in your friends? sensitivity, empathy
* What is your principle defect? stubbornness, also very sensitive, anxious
* What is your favorite occupation? I'll let you know if I figure it out
* What is your dream of happiness? Living a life free from anxiety and depression
* What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? Losing my family
* What would you like to be? I'd like to work in maternal/child health, be a baker, an art teacher for young kids (although I guess I'd rather call it 'facilitator of creativity' lol).
* In what country would you like to live? Italy
* What is your favorite color? green
* What is your favorite flower? Cosmos
* What is your favorite bird? I love all of the herons and egrets. As a kid my favorite was the Peregrine Falcon.
* Who are your favorite prose writers? Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy
* Who are your favorite poets? Cavafy, Elytis, Virgil, Ovid,
* Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Aeneas
* Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? Jane Eyre, Tess (of the D'Urbervilles)
* Who are your favorite composers? I like lots of stuff but don't necessarily know the composer's name : ) Aaron Copeland just popped into my mind.
* Who are your favorite painters? Picasso, Matisse
* Who are your heroes in real life? People who stand up for what is right, even though that is not the easy thing to do.
* Who are your favorite heroines of history? mothers who advocate for their children in trying times.
* What are your favorite names? I love the name Esther.
* What is it you most dislike? I have a very hard time when I feel I'm misunderstood.
* What historical figures do you most despise? Hitler
* What event in military history do you most admire? Storming the beach at Normandy
* What reform do you most admire? Civil Rights. Sadly, I don't think it is a completed reform.
* What natural gift would you most like to possess? Inner peace
* How would you like to die? peacefully and painlessly
* What is your present state of mind? overwhelmed, sad
* To what faults do you feel most indulgent? slothfullness
* What is your motto? don't have one!

How to Cure a Tantrum

Make cookies!

Mini Black and White Cookies, Weight Watchers style

• 2 sprays cooking spray
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 2/3 cup sugar, granulated
• 2 large egg(s)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp lemon zest
• 2 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp table salt
• 2/3 cup fat-free skim milk
• 3 large egg white(s)
• 2 cup powdered sugar, divided
• 1/4 cup water, boiling, or more if necessary, divided
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa

• Preheat oven to 375°F. Coat 2 cookie sheets with cooking spray or cover with parchment paper. (I used a silpat instead)
  
  
• Beat butter and granulated sugar in a large bowl, using an electric mixer, until light and fluffy. Add whole eggs, one at a time, and incorporate with mixer; blend in 1 teaspoon of vanilla and lemon zest.
  
  
• Mix together flour, baking powder and salt in a separate medium bowl.
  
  
• Add half of flour mixture to butter mixture; add milk and beat well. Add remaining flour mixture and beat well.
  
  
• Whip egg whites in a medium bowl, with a wire whisk, until soft peaks form; gently fold egg whites into cookie batter.
  
  
• Drop batter by heaping teaspoons onto cookie sheets; batter should remain in high mounds. Make sure to leave at least 2-inches of space between each mound of batter.
  
  
• Bake cookies until edges turn slightly brown, about 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool on cookie sheets for 1 to 2 minutes; move to wire racks and allow to cool completely.
  
  
• Meanwhile, to make vanilla icing, combine 1 cup of powdered sugar, 2 tablespoons of boiling water and remaining 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla in a medium bowl; beat until smooth. Using a pastry brush or flexible spatula, paint half of each cooled cookie with vanilla icing. (NOTE: Make sure to ice the flat side of each cookie. You should always use the vanilla icing first)
  
  
• To make chocolate icing, combine remaining cup of powdered sugar, cocoa and 2 tablespoons of boiling water in a medium bowl; beat until smooth. Add a little more water, a teaspoon at a time, if icing is too dry. Using the same brush or spatula, paint the second half of the flat side of each cookie. Allow icing to dry completely before serving. Yields 2 cookies per serving.

I probably could have added more powdered sugar to my icing, to make it thicker. Next time. The cookies have a great taste.

Couldn't resist

More Superbuzzy goodness

Do-overs

In this week's Getting to Know You at CAC, Paintergirl asks if there is anything in your life you would re-do.

In the fourth grade (or was it third?) my class was having a 'garage sale' and sending the profits to Unicef. Someone brought in a Barbie townhouse- it was like this one with the elevator. I desperately wanted this house. It was only three dollars!

Only one problem. I was afraid to ask my parents for the money. I dreaded the thought that they could say no, so I didn't ask. I remember riding the elevator down to the lobby that morning. I can see my mother's arm as she stood next to me. The question was on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn't get it out.

My friend Sandy bought it. I was heartbroken. She invited me over to play with it. It was fun, but I was so disappointed.

I think even as a kid I knew that the truly sad part of the story was not that I didn't get the dollhouse, but that I was too scared of asking my mom for it. I was not afraid of being physically harmed, or yelled at. I used to marvel at the things my younger sister felt comfortable asking our parents for.

I still don't like to ask for things. Even silly things, like asking "do you have this in my size" at the store. If I could do it over, I wish I could have been a less fearful child.

All I wanted for Mother's Day...

was to be able to have my sewing machine out all weekend! I sewed up a storm.

First up was this bag from Tiny Happy


I used a piece of silk my sister brought me from Uzbekistan. I thought that it would be too floppy even with a lining, so I used Peltex to give it some body. Something a little flimsier might have been better, but I really like how it came out. I think I will add some sort of closure to it, a toggle of some sort I guess.

Next up, two totes for the kids to use to transport library books to and fro.


I got to use some of my fabrics from Superbuzzy. The pattern for the bags is from Lotta Jansdotter's Simple Sewing.

Also from Lotta's book is this tool roll, which now holds my crochet hooks




I winged the case on the right, which is for sewing needles.

And right before my family served me a wonderful dinner, I started this guy


From Joy's Waldorf Dolls 8" Pocket Love Doll, for our new nephew. I made a doll from this pattern for my son when he was about 1.5 years old. I sewed that one by hand, and now that I think of it, it was the first thing I ever sewed. I'm happy to say that it is still intact, and he is still a guest in my son's bed from time to time!

It was a wonderful day, and it was so much fun to sew all of this stuff!