2008

There's so much I want to say right now. I wish I had hours to sit here and write all of the posts that currently reside in my head.

For now I'll just say, this is the year of Hope. I was inpsired by Ali Edwards to choose one little word for my year. Christine Kane also influenced my thoughts as the end of 2007 came. I want to be and do, I don't want to 'should' on myself. Every day is a new day. My hopes and dreams are Within Reach.

I am hopeful that I will learn more about living with anxiety.
I am hopeful that baby steps will help us to declutter our home.
I am hopeful that I can enjoy each new day, even the rough ones.
I am hopeful that I can be joyful.

I decided on hope a day or so before NYE. I found the idea of practicing being hopeful so useful and helpful in actual practice- I have been catching myself going into the negative self-talk that normally spirals into anxiety and depression, and reframing the situation through the lens of Hope. It's only January 5, but I've experienced more joy so far, been more able to appreciate the small moments that make up a life. I've taken risks that have paid off, and leave me eager to jump again.

It's pretty much January 6th now; I need to get to bed. I'll just share one more thing: a new blog.

Choo Choo! Chugga Chugga Choo Choo!

I'm attending the American Public Health Association Annual Meeting in Washington, DC. Wow, what an event. There are thousands and thousands of folks attending. The meeting is so big that the Washington Convention Center can't contain it all; some sessions are being held at four nearby hotels.

I'm picking up brochures from various public health schools and getting psyched to take the GRE and apply to some programs. I've decided I'll take the GRE before my next birthday, in March. I definitely have some rusty math skills to refresh, and I am looking forward to the challenge.

It's such a great atmosphere to be in--so many people doing amazing work. I'm most inspired by the students presenting papers--I can be one of those people in a few years!

I'm missing my babies, but feeling refreshed by a few days away with friends.

Dreams

Recently in my blog surfing I came across this post from Andrea of Superherodesigns. I've written about dreams before, and as you can see I had a hard time really letting go and dreaming wildly. [side note: I'm tickled that I did take and pass the lactation exam, am losing weight, and have begun exercising regularly and enjoying it! I'm thinking that was more of a goal list than a dream list. hmm. ]

However, Andrea's question introduces the idea of knowing you wouldn't fail. With that suggestion, I let my mind free.

If I knew I couldn't fail, I would open a bakery/cafe that had room for people, especially children, to come and create art. I would decorate our home boldly. I would somehow, someway, help to effect change in Burma, so that Aung San Suu Kyi and the entire Burmese people would be free. I would spend a year or more living in Italy, learning to speak Italian fluently, and enjoy la dolce vita.

I've been reading Jen Lemen's blog for a few months now. She is never short on beauty or inspiration. At the beginning of October she posted about dreaming as well. I've started a life list here; I'm only up to 38 so far, but I'm sure I will continue to think of both delicious and practical dreams to fill it up with. How 'bout you?

Friendship

When I was a kid, my mother was always reassuring me that the day would come when making friends would be easier for me. Don't worry, she'd say, there are more kids in High School. Then, oh, in college you'll meet people you have more in common with. When you're a parent you'll meet lots of people in your new town.

Caroline at Potato Prints wrote about friendship today. Her drawing really resonates with me. Looking from the outside in, wanting to be a part of that closeness, or fun, and yet being too scared to step forward. It is so lonely.

When commenting to Caroline I realize: I've lived here for eight years. I don't think 'I'm new in town' is my problem anymore. My son is entering third grade and my daughter will attend kindergarten at the same school next year. I know friends won't just jump out and attach themselves to me. I do feel like I'm different than most people here. I grew up in a big city, most folks grew up in this small town. I encounter many folks who've learned racist attitudes from their parents. I cannot get close to someone who believes that type of thing. Where is my bosom buddy?

My daughter is very extroverted. I've had to stretch my boundaries for her. I need to do it more. It is hard for me to arrange play dates for my kids, and yet, how will they learn about friendship if I don't make it possible for them? Yes, they play with kids at school and camp, but we don't often have a child over to play.

Somehow I need to push myself out of this friendless zone, for myself.

You, Me, and Creativity

Wednesday is Getting to Know You Day, and Jana, is the host for the month of March!

Let's get started!
YOU choose what to tell me:
List 3 random facts about you, that we will be entertained by:

1. I met my husband living and working on an island with no electricity or running water
2. I was almost arrested outside of St. Patrick's in NYC for civil disobedience
3. In the fall of 1986 the Mets were in the playoffs (on the way to winning the World Series). One night the Giants were on Monday Night Football, at the same time as a Mets vs. Astros game. My dad made it so we could see both: the downstairs tv had the Mets, the upstairs tv was brought downstairs, and had the football game. And because we're totally nutty, we had the sound off and listened to the baseball via the radio and the Mets' regular announcers : )
   

List 2 things about you, that are important for us to know:

1. I'm very sensitive
2. I'm an introvert, and need time alone to recharge
   

ME! My turn to ask questions!

Do you like board games? What are some favorites? I'm not a big fan of games. I definitely prefer a book, however my kids like games. So I do play Candyland, Monopoly, and lots of games by Cranium. One of theirs that I enjoy a lot is called The Scrambled States of America. I also like some non-competitive games that we have, like Harvest Time and The Secret Door. Ooh, just remembered, as a kid I loved playing Careers and Clue.

What are your non-artistic hobbies? Reading, baking (which is sort of artistic/creative in my mind), cooking.

Do you collect anything? I try not to : ) I suppose you could say I collect books, though I'm pretty good at going through my stash and getting rid of what I don't use anymore. Except cookbooks- I don't give those away LOL. So yeah, I collect cookbooks.

And now, our Creativity:
What types of art do you enjoy creating the most? Scrapbooking and other paper crafting give me a great deal of satisfaction. I did loads of it after my first child turned one, but have not done as much as I'd like since my daughter was born (and she's 5 now!). I do enjoy the creation, the item, but I think I have to say I love the act of creating most of all. So despite not having much to show for it, in the past five years I've done a lot of creating! I do tons of crafty things with my kids. Now that I'm creating things because I want to I'm finding that they are interested in what I'm doing and want to follow my lead as well. Errr, I think I answered the question : ) and then some.

Do you have a type of art that you've always wanted to try, but never done? What is it? I don't consider myself a risk taker per se (like bungee jumping or something) but I do love trying crafts and other things that pose a challenge. I'm learning crochet, though I don't have any completed projects just yet. I think after crochet I'd really like to give quilting a try. I've always thought it involved a lot of rules and things, but I'm seeing so many quilters making postcards, small doll-sized quilts, that I think I've always had the wrong impression about quilting.

Do you have any art "how to" sites that you would recommend to us? What are they? I don't have one particular go-to site for this. I have many crafty/creative blogs on my feed reader, and the posts that interest me are starred and listed on the google reader doohicky in the sidebar. Two blogs I love are Whipup and Craftzine. They both gather links from all over the web- loads and loads of tutorials.

So Love *is* Tough

Yesterday I was working on my Demons sketches. My kids wondered what I was drawing, and after they looked, they asked about the pictures. I explained to them that these were sort of anti-superheroes and represented parts of myself and behaviors that I do that I am not happy with (this will make more sense when I get time to actually scan the sketches and share them here lol). They were very interested and curious. So I asked Sam, what would you call that guy inside you who whines so much? What does he look like? And I sketched him. Then I asked Maya about the part of her that moans at every little thing that doesn't go how she wanted it to go (oh, how I wish I could get my needs met by moaning or whining!) and we sketched that one.

I had no trouble sharing this with my children. So why, when my sketchbook was out on my bed, did I feel uncomfortable when my husband glanced at it? I decided to push through the uncomfortable feeling, and explained the images to him. It was a good moment of connection at the end of a long and harried day.

I'm not sure why it was easier to be emotionally open and vulnerable with my children. I suspect part of me was embarassed to share those demons with my husband, though he is surely well acquainted with them.

Definitely more to mull over here.

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

At CAC, Swampgrrl had this to say on getting to know you Tuesday:
I'm always thinking about these things in my own life and challenging myself to
S-T-R-E-T-C-H beyond what is comfortable. Sometimes I take big leaps. Sometimes I make micro-movements.
Here are questions to play around with micro-movements or big leaps:

1a. What is one thing about your body that you hate, deny, talk trash about? I've grown quite the jelly belly this year.

1b. What can you do to make friends with this part and show it a little love? Treat myself well through good eating and exercise.

2a. What is one thing about your home that doesn't feel good? clutter!

2b. What is one thing you can do to change that? take baby steps, and learn to be ok with not being able to snap your fingers and attain perfection :)

3a. Is there a relationship that you have difficulty with? yes

3b. What is something small you can do to either salvage it or come to terms with the way it is now? continue to read up on and practice good communication skills to help both of us feel less frustrated.

4a. Is there something you are afraid to do, but would like to try it?
One reason I try new things is for the challenge- I figure if I'm scared there is a good opportunity for growth. Creatively, quilting fascinates me but does scare me- I think maybe I don't have the skills for it.
In other arenas, public speaking terrifies me. I will need to improve for a volunteer position I have.

4b. What can you do to begin a plan to try it? I could try a small quilt, or a postcard quilt. For public speaking I am working on it :) I am co-leading a session at a conference with another volunteer, and a few months after that I will try to lead a small session at another conference.

Dreams

I don't consider myself a dreamer. I've always viewed myself as a logical, rational gal. I think, though, that I have dreams; I'm just too afraid to voice them...

So, since Jana invited us to Dream on CAC, I'm going to go ahead and share some dreams.

Sheesh, I've been writing this post for two days- I'm just having a hard time putting some of this out there. Ok, maybe if I start with the practical side it will be easier for me : )

Goal type dreams:

• de-clutter house and help us all be more organized
• do some decorating so that I can feel grown up (and not like a college student who is actually approaching her 10 year reunion)
  
• do a better job of saving money and managing finances
• take better care of myself: lose weight, exercise regularly, have time for journaling and meditation.

Struggling with:

• I had planned to sit the IBLCE exam this summer. I have viewed earning this credential as a step to another dream (will write that one next), but I'm now wondering if I should bother with it. I'm having a terrible time doing things that I want to do lately. So even though I want to take the online courses I need in order to be able to take the exam, I am somehow lacking the get up and go to do it. The early application needs to be postmarked by April 13th, so I have some serious thinking ahead.
  
• I'm still thinking about applying to a Masters of Public Health program. There are many hurdles. I don't have a medical background, and many of these programs are intended for doctors, nurses, dietitians, etc. Having the IBCLC credential would help. I also need to study and take the GRE- can we say ick! The other hurdle is choosing a program- I don't want to move my family in order to do this. Can I do it long distance? Can I drive to Tampa and attend classes there? How do we manage financially?
• Should I just forget those two ideas and honestly go after becoming a baker?
• Want to do a better job at being present for my children and my husband. I don't get things done, not because I don't have the time, but because instead of doing them I'm hiding. I need to do a better job managing my time.
  
• Trying to be a more peaceful and positive person.
  

I did something huge yesterday. I bought a piece of furniture for our house without consulting my husband. You see, I'm a reasonable person. I like to confer with him, my partner, my co-homeowner on decisions like this. Sadly my ideas are usually turned down, and the end result is that I feel that I have no control over certain decisions regarding my own home.

I think it is going to be a great addition, and will help manage some everyday clutter- backpacks, dance bag, etc.

Running out of time

There are only 15 minutes left in Tuesday, and I haven't posted yet today. I posted early (for me) yesterday, and I think I got cocky. Oh, I have plenty of time to post today. No problem. I'll get to it. In my defense I started two or three drafts today, but they aren't quite ready to share.

So I'll thank The Zero Boss for turning me on to NaBloPoMo and then call it a night. I'm making time to write every day, and jotting down new ideas as well. Thank you Jay Allen- thanks for making me laugh every day, and thanks for helping me decide to start blogging. And perhaps most important of all, thanks for introducing me to Google Reader!

ready, set, jump

NaBloPoMo
originally uploaded by nyjlm.

So I've been meaning to try blogging for a while now. Finally jumping in. Not sure why NaBloPoMo is pushing me over the edge, but it is.

So here I am at 11:28 pm, fumbling and bumbling to find something to say. Today was not my best day, but I can say that it is ending better than it started. I was carded at the liquor store (I'm 36!), and I've been watching some sitcom reruns w/hubby and having some good laughs.

I need more laughter in my life. I've been finding a lot of laughs in other folks' blogs, and you can find some of those funny posts on my Google Reader link over there to the right >>>>>>