A way in which I am not very different from my 17 year old self

One day when I was 17 my parents came home from work and asked us to turn General Hospital off. My father proceeded to tell us that he was in love with someone else and that my parents would be divorcing. I have no memories of the words he said after I confirmed that he was not in fact joking. In the days and weeks that followed I had many aggressive thoughts about E (the other woman). I took out my hostility while chopping vegetables, or while thinking about chopping vegetables. I wished she would die. When my dad and E got an apartment together, I dreaded speaking to her. If she picked up the phone, I would very formally ask "May I speak to Arthur, please?" I refused his offers of bringing her to dinner with us, or an offer of a vacation which included her. Don't worry, I had plenty of hostility for my dad--he was just as culpable as she was.

Eventually I came around. I was tired of being so angry all of the time. I spoke to E. I rode in the same vehicle as her. I didn't get sick when she came to my graduation party, though I did have a glass of wine before she arrived with my dad. And when she died of breast cancer a year or two after they married, I felt terrible.

So, I thought I was past those vindictive feelings. Apparently not! A few years ago my dad went out with a woman I despised. She was awful. She manipulated him terribly. They'd break up and then get back together. He knew I didn't like her so he'd try to keep it secret--impossible since I work for him. They are finally done for good, but maintain a business relationship.

I had to write a check for her the other day. I found myself mentally putting hoaxes on it, and I very nearly spit in the envelope when I was getting it ready to mail. When I stopped myself I cracked up, and immediately recognized the 17 year old me.

A Missed Opportunity and a Sad, Sad Heart

I said goodbye to someone today, someone I'd always hoped would become a good friend. She's been our amazing children's room librarian for the past few years. We'd talk and I'd find myself wishing I could ask her out for coffee or something. I'm just missing that friendship gene or something- I have no idea how to make that leap from acquaintance to friend.

I was a bit of a shrew this afternoon with the kids. I managed to cook some very yummy corn soup (a weight watchers recipe) before totally losing it and taking a xanax. I lay down to nurse my bruised heart; Erik came home. There were tears, a back rub and even a little bit of feeling better.

I feel sad that she won't be at the library when we visit. I'm sick that I never took the jump and invited her and her husband to dinner. I'm sad for friendships that I've had, but no longer have- like every close and meaningful friendship I ever had in college. Adding fuel to this nostalgic fire is a mix tape that a college friend made for me. Erik came across it tonight, and hearing it play I'm missing my friend Kurt, remembering the time we danced to Deee-Lite at Wigstock. I wonder what these old friends are up to, and because I can't help myself, wonder how lame my years since college would seem against the accomplishments I imagine they've filled their cv's with.

I really wanted to figure out this friends thing this summer. I wanted to have people over, couples I think my husband and I would both enjoy getting to know as more than "Maya and Sam's mom and dad." We have a few more weeks till school starts, and this weekend I am going to formulate a plan for at least one get together before then.

edited to add: there've been a few times this summer when I've read a blog post and just felt heartbroken. Usually when one blogger that I really admire and feel a kinship with mentions their friendship with another blogger that I really admire. I'm so jealous, wanting to be their friend so badly, wanting them to know how much their writing resonates with me. It's silly, and yet not silly. Where are my soul-sisters? Where's my tribe? And more often than not- what is wrong with me?

Order/Disorder

I have a need for order. When it becomes obvious that the disorder around me is overwhelming, I retreat, bury my head in the sand.

The backyard is full of disorder. I stay inside, or in the front yard. Despite not enjoying gardening in Florida (nor anywhere, truthfully), I am so bothered by the chaos out there that even a short photography stroll in the backyard leaves me wanting to roll up in a ball, cursing our inability to create anything nice.

The bedroom (kitchen, living room, Maya's room) is a mess, I flee to the computer.

I'm not living up to my academic standards in freshman chemistry, circa 1988. I stop attending class.

***

Maya has called me on my escape mechanism a few times in the last few days. "Mom! This is more important!" Ouch. She's 6. Who's being the grown up? Yes, Maya. Yes, Sam. Yes, Erik. You are more important than the computer. I got an email the other day that asked--what is keeping you from the life you want? Ouch.

I need the connections I make online. I need the wisdom. Yet I need to be able to step away and take action here at home. Whether I like it or not, I'm going to have to be the captain of this ship if I ever hope to have even the smallest showing of order around here. Erik doesn't see the piles, the disorder, and chaos. When I'm overwhelmed, it feels like they're swallowing me whole.

I'm scared. What if I do spend less time online, and more time making order out of chaos, and I fail? What if I can't attain the perfection or level of order my brain keeps insisting it needs? What if I become the family leader I want to be, and no one follows?

***

I've been in the house for the past three days on sick child duty. I had to get out of the house this evening after dinner (oh the incessant talking! the talking all at once, at me, as if I'm the only one who can help them), so I grabbed my camera and walked around the house.

The whole backyard practically gives me hives (how the trees have grown since they were scaled back courtesy Hurricane Charley), and one corner in particular makes me so upset. That's when I started trying to imagine myself out there, doing the work, with work gloves, a hat, and a big pair of clippers. Nope. Not me, not gonna happen. So, then, self, why oh why do you care if it is overgrown? If you're not willing to do something about it?

Because, my mind whines, becauuuuse. Because it should be nice. It should be trim. And the floodgates open up: I should have a clean house. I should be studying for the GRE, I should be applying to graduate school. I should be a better mother, wife, and employee. I should try harder to make friends. I should meditate. I should exercise. I shouldn't overeat. Ad nauseaum, ad infinitum.

Then it is time for me to leave the backyard before some tree spirit snatches me away. I return to the civilized front yard, discovered by my children, outside to play in the last few moments before bed.

This too shall pass. I have taken some baby steps in the house to lessen the chaos enough for me not to feel that it is closing in on all sides. I'm taking a great Pema Chodron e-course. I'm learning from Karen Maezen Miller that the crooked path is ok (just before I finally bought her book I won an autographed copy from her!). And look, even tonight, wandering outside feeling hopeless, there was this:

These gulfs of incomprehension bring the opportunity for spiritual growth and self-acceptance. Momma Zen, p 8, Karen Maezen Miller

Duh!

I have just figured out that the way to keep our house clean is to continually invite people over. All this time I've had a cluttered, messy house, and I've been avoiding ever having anyone over.
Yes, yes, I know that FlyLady figured this out a long time ago, and yes, we've lived in CHAOS. Thanks to Maya's birthday party on the 2nd and inviting some neighbors for dinner tonight our house is in pretty good shape. I'm this close to inviting some friends over on Sunday to watch the Giants game.

Lost in the Mazes of my Mind

There have been lots of words flying around inside my head this past week; I thought of starting a post often. But the thoughts and feelings felt too ugly, confusing, overwhelming. Why the ups and downs? Can't I have a happy period that lasts more than a month? Why do bad days stick to me-why can't I toss them off and move on? Why am I so stupid, lame, lazy, a bad mother, bad wife, bad housekeeper? And on, and on.

BipolarLawyerCook's post on Real Mental this morning really rings a bell for me. She wonders why she waits until she's running on empty before taking time for the things that she knows help bring emotional well-being and mental balance. Just yesterday I realized that I am sort of like an addict, who thinks she can have one drink, one hit- I think I can stay up late just one night. Then it is a whole week of late nights. Then no exercise, no calm mornings, no weight watchers and by the end of the week, you have one girl in a serious mess which takes all weekend to recover from.

It didn't help that this weekend was super busy. Chanukah service on Friday night in which the kids were singing, lighting candles, etc. Home at 10:30 pm. At school on Saturday am at 7:45 for Kindergarten holiday concert. Breakfast with Santa right after. Third grade concert at 9:30 (all of this was at school). Come home, collapse, don't sleep or accomplish a thing. Maya to birthday party. Sam and friend at house playing legos. Chanukah party at temple at 5 pm. I was beside myself in the car, and knew enough to take a xanax on the way there. I forgot everything: menorah for group lighting, side dish, canned goods and toy for donation. I did bring gifts for the religious school teachers, but had to stop at CVS on the way for tape; I did bring the scissors and wrapping paper. When we got there I felt utterly anti-social. Erik was upset about the things I didn't take care of all afternoon (he was at the party with Maya). Eventually I started feeling better and had a nice time with my friends and my family. Sunday morning we were out of the house again for religious school. In the afternoon I started the gobs and gobs of laundry piled everywhere.

So today I decided to stay home, and not judge myself for needing a day to right myself. I exercised, I'm doing more laundry. I'm sort of stalled now, I've been writing this post for a few hours. In my vision of today I'm flitting about the house, cleaning, decluttering, and making our house into the home I yearn for. I don't think I've gone into loads of details here about this, but a tremendous trigger for me is the clutter in my home. My husband is a pack-rat. Sometimes I truly feel on the edge looking around at all of the piles. It is like a tidal wave, knocking me over, too big to fight against. We've recently had some really good conversations about this (does me crying hysterically and him listening count as a conversation?)--he apologized for the last ten years (I've been asking him to declutter for that long) and for not truly understanding how his reluctance to throw stuff away affects my mental health.

The going is slow, of course. And nothing much can get done when you're scheduled to the hilt. Even with available time, it is hard to make a big difference. I feel like I don't have the perseverance and discipline needed for this. I get down about it so easily- I mean, we've been 'trying' the same thing for years and years. Duh. Of course it isn't going to get better.

Sigh. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Like I said, the thoughts are all jumbled up in here. Bless you if you've read this far.

In an hour I'm due at Sam's classroom to read a story and teach them about Chanukah. I'm still wearing my exercise clothing. The dishwasher is full of clean dishes. The laundry baskets are full of clean, unfolded clothing. And I'm still wandering the mazes in my mind, and wishing I had Ariadne to toss me a ball of string.

Can I get a hooray for productivity?

I love to talk on the phone. To friends and relatives that is. To moms who need bf info. For some reason, anxiety related no doubt, I hate other types of phone calls: making dr appointments, hotel reservations (except for the one time I was calling Italy for reservations, I had no problem then. what's up with that?), calling Toshiba about warranty service, any work call that my dad doesn't want to make and hands off to me instead. If I can do it online without talking to a soul, I will.

However! I am sitting here with a to-do list filled with calls. And guess what, ladies (and gentlemen?)? The calls have been crossed off! One faulty ac adapter reported to Targus. One newspaper canceled. One VW service appt made. One gyn appt made. Oh, that last one? I was looking up the phone number of the office online and discovered that they make appts online now. Heaven.

Control

I have a control problem. I want to be in control-I want things to be how I envision them. But I also want someone to take care of things for me. I've let my husband take care of certain things (by let I mean I allowed myself to let go of being in control) and then ended up frustrated because they didn't turn out how I wanted them to be. Yet I don't seem to have the...ability? stamina? discipline? to make things turn out how I want them. So I end up not taking any steps towards what I'd like to see at all.

There are some things I've been able to let go of. I finally stopped organizing our pots and pans in their drawer, because I was the only one putting them away so neatly, or in a certain order. And guess what, they still all fit in the drawer. It bugs me that the drawer is a mess, and I think it is more efficient to have it organized, but I am not irritated when Erik puts a pan where it 'doesn't belong' any more. Same for the dishwasher. I would often re-arrange what Erik loaded because I think my way is better, but I'm trying to let go of that. I mean, who cares how it is as long as they get clean, right? I have hard time watching Erik do laundry as well. But the reality is that the clothing ends up just as clean when it's sorted willy-nilly as it does when I sort according to my standards.

All of this ties into anxiety and perfectionism. I'm learning that two steps forward, one step back can result in progress, not failure. The journey is important too- who cares if things are the way I want them, if I have to be miserable getting there? Isn't it better to have a relaxed, fun day where things get part way accomplished? It's a hard lesson, and it isn't easy for me to take baby steps. I'm figuring out how to sit with my feelings when I feel uncomfortable inside, instead of freaking out. Wish me luck!

Getting to the Root of Things

Last week I received letters from each of my children's teachers. And each one resulted in tears. My tears, not my children's tears.

Neither letter contains anything that signifies the end of the world. Neither is beyond remedying. So why the tears? Worse than the tears--why the ache in my heart and stomach?

I'm not one of those "helicopter mothers." While of course I take pride in my children's accomplishments (geez, they are 8 & 5, accomplishments sounds a bit much, no?), I don't live through them. So what on earth is my deal?

I thought about it all weekend. I think that I'm particularly sensitive to any hint of rebuke from teachers because of an incident that happened when I was in first grade. I was shy (and anxious!) and did not want to read aloud to the class when called upon. I can still see the illustration accompanying the text about a mail man in my mind's eye. The teacher called me to her desk, and asked me to bring my reader. She took the reader from me, as punishment, and I recall going back to my desk crying. I didn't go home and tell my parents; they eventually heard it from the teacher herself at parent-teacher night. My mother, also a teacher, was furious that I'd had a book taken from me.

After letting the tears out, and having lots of time on Yom Kippur to ponder this, I re-read the email from my daughter's teacher. I can see that I read the note as an indictment of my parenting. Add that to my sensitive nature, and this apparently unresolved first grade incident, a 24 hour fast, and boom. It ain't pretty. I hope that I can excise the hurt that I am still carrying around, and figure out how to hear from my children's teachers without reverting to that crying first grader.

Friendship Part II

When I wrote about Friendship the other day, I meant to talk about a theory of mine. I think that the internet is full of other folks who have a hard time making or keeping friends, with introverted people who want connection with other, but who need lots of time alone.

I met many women with new babies in the summer of 1999 online, when my son was born. Several of them have become my closest friends. We've met in RL, our families know and love each other too. We've been through subsequent pregnancies, and all kinds of ups and downs together. I'm so grateful I have them. But I still really yearn for someone who lives nearby, in the same county if not in the same town.

I took a step this week. I volunteered at my kids' camp for the past two weeks. The teacher I was helping was really fun to hang out with. I gave her my number and email address. I'm hoping we can get together and develop a friendship. I really hope to hear from her, but if not at least I've learned that it isn't so scary to try.

Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday

Charlotte is the June host for CAC's Getting to Know You Day. Here is her fun prompt for today:

Where were you in 1987? In school? Working? Single? Married? Attached? What was important to you? What were you doing creatively? Tell us a bit about your life then.

In 1987 I was a junior in high school. I'd never had a boyfriend. My high school was huge, about 4000 kids, but I was in a small program within the school and took classes with the same 20 or so kids. By junior year we were like a big family. Our homeroom teacher was the best, he really took care of us. Being, um, nerdy we sometimes wanted to be marked absent from school so we could skip some of our classes to go home and study. So Mr. Larsen would mark us absent, we'd go to the class the exam was going to be in, and then go home to study. Being absent was less problematic than skipping. High School was more fun than Middle School, but looking back I still think of feeling nervous all the time.

Although I've always enjoyed creating things I was not involved in any crafty activities at the time.

Where were you in 1997? What would you like to share about the nineties?

In 1997 I was living in the greater Orlando area with my husband. We were just starting to think about trying to have a baby. I was still becoming adjusted to life in Florida :) Since we'd moved to Florida I'd been working in retail. By November of '97 I'd had enough, and when my dad offered me a job I took it. This November I'll have worked for him for ten years!

I think the 90's were about transition for me. I stopped being a student upon graduation from NYU. I moved to a new state for the first time in my life. I got married and we bought a home.

Where did you plan to be or think you'd be in 2007? Have your realized your goals? What is one thing about your present life you love and one you'd like to change?

I don't think I had any plans for 2007 : ) I've been going along with the flow for quite a while now (even when going with the flow has simply meant dealing with life as it is, anxiety and all). We have two wonderful (most of the time!) children. I'm working towards some goals now. I'm still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up : )

One thing I want to change is my work. Working for my dad has been great on many levels- my babies came to work with me. I can go to the store on my way to work. I can leave early for a doctor's appointment. But my father's work is his dream, not mine. It is awkward for me at times- he's so happy to have me at work, to know that he can count on me. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of enthusiasm for the work I'm doing. And that makes it very hard for me to get things done.

How do you see your life in 2017? Do you have any goals or dreams for your future?

I want to continue to learn and do new creative and crafty things. I hope to explore many things with my children and my husband- new countries, new adventures, plenty of travel. I hope that by 2017 I'll either be in school learning a new career or already working at one : ). Aaaack! I think in 2017 my oldest will be applying to college. Eeek. Can't think about that--he's turning 8 tomorrow!

Fruitful Weekend

I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm thankful for it--somehow I've got my get-up-and-go back!
After some great discussions with my husband on our spring break trip, I've decided for sure to take the IBLCE exam this summer. This is the credentialing exam for lactation consultants. The regular deadline for applying to take the exam is April 30th. As of last week I still had three background courses to take, and I finished them all! Now I'm taking one more breastfeeding education class (all online) and am busy getting all of my paperwork together to send in the application. Like I said, I'm not sure where this feeling came from, but I'm so grateful to be taking care of what needs to be done and just generally feeling 'in the zone.'

In addition to doing this preparatory stuff for the exam, I also did some crafting. I purchased a sweater a few months ago and felted it right away. I just wasn't sure what I was going to create with it. I thought of a small purse, but couldn't decide how to cut the sweater so as to use the cool flowers on it. Finally I remembered the cool Lambkin pattern and realized the flowers would be so cute going across the lamb's back. Et voila! My lambkins:

The eyes are the buttons from the sweater.

I also did some embroidery. I bought some patterns from Sublime Stitching a few months ago after seeing one that Krista was working on. I am relatively pleased with the results, but this is something I definitely want to get better at!

Speaking of get-up-and-go--I really need to scoot out the door and get to work!

The Small Reasons

Krista inspired me to share a few little things with her great post on the small reasons she loves her family. When my daughter, now 5, starting having excruciating tantrums for the entirety of the year of 4, I had to learn to store up these little moments in order to get through the day. They were my fuel to get me through the waves of emotion she was having such a hard time dealing with. I learned to soak them up as they happened and hold on tight to them in my heart.

On Wednesday my son came home and announced that he wanted to cut shamrocks out and sew them to white fabric. Then he wanted to sew the word 'March' on the top of the fabric. I was sort of surprised, being that we'd never really talked about St. Patrick's Day. I was also wondering if we had materials to do it, and if we could get it done by Friday, since he wanted to do it for three teachers. And of course, little sister wanted in on the action as well.

Fortunately we had plenty of green felt to turn this idea into reality. I love how nonchalantly he announced this plan to me. I smile thinking of him coming up with the idea. I love that he wants to learn to sew.

He ultimately decided that stitching three shamrocks to a background would take too long for him. I stitched the shamrocks on, he sewed the word March on. My daughter was only making one, and insisted on sewing the shamrock on (and a heart on the shamrock), while I sewed March on for her.

Maya's on the left, Sam's on the right

On Tuesday afternoon, when Sam and Dad are at Cub Scouts, Maya and I have some time alone. This week Maya brushed and 'styled' my hair, and then put makeup on me. She was just hilarious. I don't know where she gets her personality from, she's too much.

We've been talking a lot about the tooth fairy lately; she's just lost her first tooth and a second is hanging by a thread. I asked her what she thinks the tooth fairy does at night. Her answer: "She goes on the computier and looks at tooth-uhs."

I will be so sad when she stops saying computier (pronounced computee-uhr) or making some plurals the wrong way (as tooth-uhs, instead of teeth).

Her teacher must have talked a lot about St. Patrick's Day this week- Maya is all leprechauns this, leprechauns that. It has given us many moments of laughter this week.

I was feeling kind of blue this week about my upcoming birthday. I don't know why, I'm not obsessed with age; just general blues I guess. My husband and my kids gave me such a fun day today, and I'm feeling great tonight.

Demons

Megan posted a great creative challenge at CAC on Sunday. We all have demons, and drawing them and giving them a name can help us as we try to overcome them.

First up, Olivia Overwhelm



Sometimes I feel like a glass of water. When I become overloaded (very often it is a sensory thing, I become overstimulated by what surrounds me visually- aka clutter!) I feel like the water is flooding out of me and over me.

Tabitha Twig comes along just when I can't take the water rushing over me anymore.



I feel brittle and I just go snap.

Tornado Tina and Tidal Wave Tammy are also involved when I'm feeling overwhelmed



When the tidal wave comes ashore and drenches me, my tornado whips into action. I often rush around, trying to escape the awful feeling of being overwhelmed, overstimulated, and when I find nowhere that fits the bill I holler and express anger.

The next two demons often come out when I feel like I can't fight the overwhelming feelings anymore.



I do get so discouraged sometimes that I can hardly take care of day to day things. Granite Girl is positively paralyzed by the amount of work that needs to be done; instead of trying to take things one step at a time, she remains sedentary.

Super slug is not so super. She believes it is for the best that an object at rest tends to stay at rest. Even if going out might improve her mood, she likes to hang out in her pajamas in her bedroom at home, and resists all efforts to try to improve a situation.

Oh boy, I hope I don't scare you all off ;) I have a lot of demons it seems--I actually have two more in mind to draw! Two things I'd like to represent this way are anxiety and my sensitivity, which isn't necessarily a demon, but feels like a liability when I'm exposed and deeply hurt.

As I mentioned the other day, my kids were interested in what I was doing. We chatted and I drew these for them:



My 7.5 yo son tends to whine instead of speak. And lately my 5 yo daughter has been very moany. I'm thinking that these drawings are a good way for all of us to recognize the facets of our personalities that we can work on to make family life more pleasant for all.

Off Kilter

Our family has been a bit off kilter lately. My daughter is falling to pieces at the slightest provocation. I'm tired and cranky, and don't have a lot of reserves to deal with it. We were in a pretty good place as far as the clutter/cleanliness balance goes, but we've lost it and can't quite regain the balance.

Today I realized that this is not the first time that this has happened to me in March- two years ago we were getting ready to go to the Bahamas for spring break. I told my husband and his family that I absolutely needed some time to simply sit and relax on the beach. It was a great vacation, and I went home refreshed and ready to be mom in charge again. I don't recall what we did last spring break, but I do remember this same drained feeling. Maybe it is a changing of the seasons thing.

We're trying to hash out what we're going to do over spring break. Husband wants to take a sort of long road trip; I'm not sure that will bring me the relaxation I crave.

On the bright side- the orange trees must be blooming, because their delicate scent is filling the air here. There is nothing like the smell of orange blossoms.

P.S. A bunch of really cool parenting posts at Oh My Stinkin Heck.
One
Two
Three

Lots of food for thought there.

So Love *is* Tough

Yesterday I was working on my Demons sketches. My kids wondered what I was drawing, and after they looked, they asked about the pictures. I explained to them that these were sort of anti-superheroes and represented parts of myself and behaviors that I do that I am not happy with (this will make more sense when I get time to actually scan the sketches and share them here lol). They were very interested and curious. So I asked Sam, what would you call that guy inside you who whines so much? What does he look like? And I sketched him. Then I asked Maya about the part of her that moans at every little thing that doesn't go how she wanted it to go (oh, how I wish I could get my needs met by moaning or whining!) and we sketched that one.

I had no trouble sharing this with my children. So why, when my sketchbook was out on my bed, did I feel uncomfortable when my husband glanced at it? I decided to push through the uncomfortable feeling, and explained the images to him. It was a good moment of connection at the end of a long and harried day.

I'm not sure why it was easier to be emotionally open and vulnerable with my children. I suspect part of me was embarassed to share those demons with my husband, though he is surely well acquainted with them.

Definitely more to mull over here.

Dreams

I don't consider myself a dreamer. I've always viewed myself as a logical, rational gal. I think, though, that I have dreams; I'm just too afraid to voice them...

So, since Jana invited us to Dream on CAC, I'm going to go ahead and share some dreams.

Sheesh, I've been writing this post for two days- I'm just having a hard time putting some of this out there. Ok, maybe if I start with the practical side it will be easier for me : )

Goal type dreams:

• de-clutter house and help us all be more organized
• do some decorating so that I can feel grown up (and not like a college student who is actually approaching her 10 year reunion)
  
• do a better job of saving money and managing finances
• take better care of myself: lose weight, exercise regularly, have time for journaling and meditation.

Struggling with:

• I had planned to sit the IBLCE exam this summer. I have viewed earning this credential as a step to another dream (will write that one next), but I'm now wondering if I should bother with it. I'm having a terrible time doing things that I want to do lately. So even though I want to take the online courses I need in order to be able to take the exam, I am somehow lacking the get up and go to do it. The early application needs to be postmarked by April 13th, so I have some serious thinking ahead.
  
• I'm still thinking about applying to a Masters of Public Health program. There are many hurdles. I don't have a medical background, and many of these programs are intended for doctors, nurses, dietitians, etc. Having the IBCLC credential would help. I also need to study and take the GRE- can we say ick! The other hurdle is choosing a program- I don't want to move my family in order to do this. Can I do it long distance? Can I drive to Tampa and attend classes there? How do we manage financially?
• Should I just forget those two ideas and honestly go after becoming a baker?
• Want to do a better job at being present for my children and my husband. I don't get things done, not because I don't have the time, but because instead of doing them I'm hiding. I need to do a better job managing my time.
  
• Trying to be a more peaceful and positive person.
  

exhilaration, computer style

My laptop showed the blue screen of death last night. Just a moment before it was fine. I put it down just before the bsod, and bumped one corner harder than I would have liked.

I rebooted, and it started to do its thing...until it finally said: operating system not found. Oh my goodness, I think my heart stopped beating momentarily.

I tried to reboot again, and hit f2. I don't understand most of what was on those menus, but I did see that the hardrive did not seem to be present.

Sooo, I made the decision to get a screwdriver and see what I could see. It turns out that when I bumped the corner, I dislodged the harddrive. I was relieved to feel the drive snap back into place, but didn't really let out my breath until I turned it on and it did all the things it was supposed to.

I felt ill the whole time I believed that my computer was broken. After I got it to work again I just felt exhiliarated!

C is for Coveting

I'm trying to get my eating habits back under control. So far it is going well. I'm not exactly dieting, but I'm watching portions, not eating non-stop, and trying to figure out why I overeat. I eat when I am bored, upset, anxious, looking for excitement, angry. You name it, I've got plenty of bad reasons for stuffing my face.

I realized this afternoon that instead of finding things to eat, I'm finding things I want to buy. Not just, oh, look at that, how nice, but full-on coveting. Not necessarily stuff I need, no not at all. I hate the feeling that wanting something in that way brings, although I'll admit that I enjoy the thrill of the hunt and the actual purchase.

So far I've held off. Trying to remind myself that my birthday is coming, and that perhaps I can treat myself to something then.

Getting started

Last week I commented about difficulty in getting over reasons to stall on Create a Connection. I'm happy to say that I managed to get started this weekend. On Saturday I worked quite a bit, but felt like I'd gotten nowhere. It was so disheartening to look at the house before I went to bed and see basically the same disorder I'd seen in the morning.

Sunday was full of errands and other things, so I didn't even attempt to continue. I was feeling pretty poorly about my ability to get organized and run a better household.

Monday morning was another day off. I slept in, and my husband brought me breakfast in bed. I got up, energized and feeling optimistic. We all worked together in the family room and made a huge difference. We sorted and organized art supplies, chose some toys to donate, and even cleaned the refrigerator.

We still have a long way to go, but I'm in a better frame of mind to see that it can't all be done on one day, and that it does pay to do what you can, when you can.

Losing my Green/Natural/Organic cred

We were at Lowe's this weekend. We had a few things on our list, and gift cards in hand.

As my husband took the kids to check out the ride-on lawn mowers I browsed the cleaning aisle. I have the worst time keeping our showers clean. I try to blame it on the humidity in Florida but it probably has more to do with my less than stellar cleaning skills.

This caught my eye. $19.95, and a $10 rebate. And those gift cards! So I bought it. It is either this, or a really dirty, icky shower. I know my shower won't look like the showers in the ads, but I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for a basic level of cleanliness, and best of all it should only require me to push a button.

We use natural/green products for most of our cleaning. Short of a cleaning lady, I'm hoping this is a solution that will work for us, because I just can't get it together enough to keep a spotless bathroom.