Not much to say right now so I'll share a few pictures. I want to write, and I want to post here, but I'm not beating myself up over not doing it.

Recycling and Repurposing

I'm showing this picture for Sassy Pricilla because she wanted to see the secret compartment books I made. They're in the right of the picture, and the open one has some trinkets we put in for my nephew. The dress was made from an old men's polo shirt, and the little totebag was my rescue of a pajama pants pattern gone bad.



I made this little tree from Martha's tutorial with the papers cut out for the secret compartment book.



We still have lots of papers left from the books (I made the books for two nephews), and I was inspired by Sassy Pricilla's post on a Valentine's bunting and Maya*Made's bunting tutorial. I used watercolor crayons to give it some color.



Yessir, I do believe we have the ugliest curtains and windows on the internet.Do your best to ignore them. And ignore the fact that the bunting is not centered over the window. I love it anyway.

Maya*Made had a tutorial on making a fall newspaper bunting, and we made one in the fall. Here it is after I took it down.

Kitchen Magic

Showing Up

It's been a crazy week. Sam started coughing on Saturday night (in a tent, on a cub scout camp out), had fever on Sunday, and was still coughing on Monday. I'm pretty laid back when my kids are sick. I don't run to the dr. I don't give tylenol for a fever except at night to help them sleep. For some reason I made a dr's appt for Tuesday afternoon. And it turns out I was wise to do so. As she listened to his lungs the dr asked "does he have asthma?" Nope. So he's got bronchitis or pneumonia. So I've been home all week, administering nebulizer treatments, dispensing steroids and antibiotics. The one day Erik was going to use a sick day to care for him, his boss asked him to do something special. So there went that.

I've completely checked out this week- surfing the web all day as Sam watches tv or reads. I've squandered a great opportunity to be home and DO STUFF! I could have sewed, crafted, written, read. I did some dishes and some laundry, but that's about it. I did take care of my boy, but I wasn't necessarily present with him.

November and December were wonderful for me. I baked, cooked, sewed, created. It was wonderful, I felt that ever elusive flow. And then it just seemed to vanish after the holidays. Maybe having the holiday as a deadline for my creativity helped, I don't know. I know I've felt a little adrift since I ended my daily photography on December 31st.

Right before New Year's Eve I signed up for Jen Louden's Virtual Retreat. A lot of the topics appealed to me, and I've always enjoyed Jen's books. It wasn't too pricey, and I can listen to the recordings after the weekend if I can't catch all the ones I want to hear in real time. Last night I'm thinking how on earth will I do this? I really, really need to get my heart and my brain aligned again. So I decided at a minimum that I would make the first call this morning at 10 am.

I lit some candles and dialed the conference number. I didn't know what to expect. Jen led us through some relaxation breathing. It felt wonderful to be still, with purpose, as opposed to passing out in bed at midnight. We did some journaling, and that is when the ideas started flowing. How could I retreat and act with purpose as I go about my daily life- the life that has a lung re-check at two and all that other stuff? Jen talked about giving up our shadow comforts or time monsters for the weekend. Ooh boy do I have a lot of these. She also talked about doing the things you normally do in a different way. This is what I've worked out.

I'm going to do as much as I can this weekend using candle light. I did the dishes by candle light, I lit about six big candles. I took out a new scented dish soap, even though the unscented one is not quite empty yet. I am drinking my water in a wine glass. I sprinkled some ylang ylang essential oil on top of the Bon Ami when I cleaned out the sink. I did a pilates tape that I've been telling myself I was going to try for a few months now. I burned a paper containing the time monster I am giving up this weekend- mindless surfing on the internet.

What do I want out of the retreat? I want to align my heart and my head so that I can show up. I don't know what happened these first days of 2009, but I have not been living my values. It came pretty naturally at the end of last year, and somehow I've fallen off the path. This weekend I am showing up.

Mama, do you see yourself?

I have a hard time understanding people who don't believe in evolution. I understand faith, and for me there is room for both.

And when I see a video like this I am less able to understand how a person could deny that we are related to gorillas and chimps.I recognize myself in this mother mother- patting baby's bottom, lying down and nursing and feeling that oxytocin rush of relaxation. Don't you see yourself in this mama's eyes?

Quadruple Word Score

I've had a spare, not in great shape Scrabble game for quite a while. A few months ago I decided I wanted to make napkin rings out of them.



Hard to believe a family with so many cloth napkins hasn't had any napkin rings.



Took me a long time to figure out how I could do it.



I've always wanted a dremel tool. We got a Lowe's card from my in-law's for the holidays, and I told my husband- I want a dremel! And he picked one up for me. I already had some jewlery wire in anticipation of making them.



And now we have napkin rings.

Easy Peasy Polo Shirt to Kid's Dress

No-BloPoMo and other news

So this year instead of trying to post every day in November I thought it'd be fun not to post at all. har har har. I actually did want to do NaBloPoMo this year but knew that I'd be setting myself up for stress and frustration. I'm glad I just said no to myself.

The good news is that things are going really well and I've been busy. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I am having fun making things for the Dec holidays. Our laptop died and our desktop is decrepit. We bought an early Chanukah gift- a sweet new iMac and I am loving it.

One more tidbit: an article I wrote about my first time celebrating Christmas was published today! http://interfaithfamily.com/holidays/hanukkah_and_christmas/Babys_First_Christmas.shtml. I think I mentioned working on it here a few months ago.

I miss writing here, and I have a lot of half-written posts in my head, but I am not sure I'll get to write them before the start of 2009.

So let me get this straight

Making sure that people have food, shelter, and health insurance is considered socialism, but bailing out banks, insurance companies, and car manufacturers is responsible capitalism?

Welfare and medicaid are bad because they throw money at lazy good-for-nothings who don't work, but subsidies to corporate farms to grow corn for livestock on corporate farms or to help American sugar farmers compete with other sugar farmers is good?

It is bad for an intellectual to run for president, despite the ill effects of the last eight years of an anti-intellectual in the Oval Office?

Did you realize that it is ok to criticize a Democratic president for operating under a deficit (Carter), but perfectly ok for a Republican to run up the largest deficit ever (Bush II)?

um, okay.

A lovely post here: http://droolstreet.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-am-real-american.html

Conversations

Maya: Mama, wait, stop. I just want to tell you something.
Maya: I just, I just really like being with people. I like people, I like friends, I like doing things with people.
Me, in my head: omg you poor child, you were so born to the wrong mom.
Me, outloud: Maya, that is so great that you know that about yourself. I know you like to be with people, and I will try to make sure you can have play dates and get togethers. I like to be with people too, but I also need a lot of alone or quiet time.

***

Maya: What do you call Grandpa Ken
Me: um, Ken?
Maya: yeah, what do you call him? You know, like I call him Grandpa Ken, but he's married to your mom so what is he? What is he for you?
Me: ohhh, ok. Well, I was kind of big when he married Grandma Dana. I never lived in his house, and he was never really my step-dad (she's familiar with the concept because some of her friends have step-dads). I do love Grandpa Ken a lot, he's so special in our family, but I don't have a special name for him. I just call him Ken.

***

Erik: Why are you so worked up about everything! (sort of yelling)
Me: That's like me asking you why do you have to be so bald! I'm high strung! You're bald! Deal with it.
Both: hysterical laughter

***

Me: Maya, you may have some money for the book fair, but you may not buy a character book.

Maya: like, no Bratz, Strawberry Shortcake, no princesses?

Me: Right.

Maya: (starting to feel an injustice has been done to her) But Mama! If I can't buy a book about a character what would it be about? Please? It has to have a character or else it is not a book!

Me: nononono- yes, you are right, books are about characters, but I am talking about a specific type of book, the type that has some type of toy character on the cover. Do you know what I mean?

Maya: ok. Yes. I get it.

Me: Whew.

A way in which I am not very different from my 17 year old self

One day when I was 17 my parents came home from work and asked us to turn General Hospital off. My father proceeded to tell us that he was in love with someone else and that my parents would be divorcing. I have no memories of the words he said after I confirmed that he was not in fact joking. In the days and weeks that followed I had many aggressive thoughts about E (the other woman). I took out my hostility while chopping vegetables, or while thinking about chopping vegetables. I wished she would die. When my dad and E got an apartment together, I dreaded speaking to her. If she picked up the phone, I would very formally ask "May I speak to Arthur, please?" I refused his offers of bringing her to dinner with us, or an offer of a vacation which included her. Don't worry, I had plenty of hostility for my dad--he was just as culpable as she was.

Eventually I came around. I was tired of being so angry all of the time. I spoke to E. I rode in the same vehicle as her. I didn't get sick when she came to my graduation party, though I did have a glass of wine before she arrived with my dad. And when she died of breast cancer a year or two after they married, I felt terrible.

So, I thought I was past those vindictive feelings. Apparently not! A few years ago my dad went out with a woman I despised. She was awful. She manipulated him terribly. They'd break up and then get back together. He knew I didn't like her so he'd try to keep it secret--impossible since I work for him. They are finally done for good, but maintain a business relationship.

I had to write a check for her the other day. I found myself mentally putting hoaxes on it, and I very nearly spit in the envelope when I was getting it ready to mail. When I stopped myself I cracked up, and immediately recognized the 17 year old me.

Peek-a-boo

I'm here, I'm here. I really am.

What I've been up to:

• on a Harry Potter marathon with Sam. He read book one ages ago but not the others. I announced I was going to read them all, and he took off along with me. We're having so much fun, though I do need to keep reminding him not to tell me any details! He's one book ahead of me. I've threatened to duct tape his mouth closed, with a slit for liquid nutrition.
• observing Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. This has probably been my least angst-filled High Holy Days since I've had kids. Yay me!
• writing an article for publication on a web-zine. For pay! More on that when it is published.
• trying to renew my enthusiasm for my photo project. I have missed more days than I'd have liked, and find myself getting a little bored. But I've been pushing through this week and have had fun taking pictures. Now I just need to catch up on posting a month's worth of photos. Yikes!
• planning holiday gift crafting, cooking new recipes, and getting ready for my sister and her family to visit in a few weeks. Can't wait to meet my new nephew, who is a butterball!

Cool Beans

I've tried cooking with dry beans a bunch of times. They usually come out barely edible- sort of mealy feeling and not fully cooked, despite hours of soaking and cooking.

Earlier this year I saw this post on Cathy's blog http://growingcurious.typepad.com/growing_curious/2008/04/cathys-no-soak.html. I made some black beans and used them for soup shortly afterwards. And omg! It works- perfect beans.

I made some more beans this weekend, some lovely garbanzos. Delicious. I used them in a stew from Madhur Jaffrey's World Vegetarian.

This morning I picked up a bag of great northern beans at the store, love those and can't wait to make something with them. I was talking about cooking with my friend Maria yesterday. She asked why was I making beans from scratch, since good canned beans are so readily available. I wasn't really sure, except that I love a good cooking challenge, and it drove me bonkers that my previous efforts were inedible!

In other food news, Sam has been on a new food streak. Mind you, he hasn't really loved most of what he has tried, but hey, he's trying! He tried spinach and got a bite or two down by holding his nose. We just made it plain, but I bet he would like it made another way. We'll try again. He tried a grape. He didn't care for the skin; his sister helpfully asked if we could peel them for him. Um, no thanks. He tried a radish in school. He ate some sweet potato, and did enjoy that. Hooray! A week ago I bought an artichoke, at his request. I made it last night, and he ate a few leaves dipped in honey mustard dressing. He says he'd eat it again if we make it.

I think both of my kids eat pretty well, but Sam is definitely persnickety. But, hey, so was I.

In Defense of Junie B. Jones

Dear Junie B. Jones

I know there are parents who don't like you, Junie B. Parents who don't care for your grammar, your spelling, or your antics.

I am not one of those parents. Junie, Thank you for bringing me laughter. I'm talking about I can't read, I can't breathe laughter. I'm talking my daughter sternly telling me "stop laughing and READ the book!" laughter. I laugh harder when I remember by son telling me the same thing four years ago. As my husband sometimes points out, I'm kind of high strung, not to mention overly serious-- and this type of let it all hang out, uncontrolled laughter doesn't come frequently. It's such a wonderful, free feeling, and I thank you for allowing me to experience it with my kids.

She let me have Blow-pops for Breakfast

When I was a little girl, my Aunt Ilene babysat me quite a bit. One of my earliest and dearest memories is when I stayed with her while my mother was in the hospital giving birth to my sister. I remember returning to my aunt's apartment building, and sitting down in the lobby to put on a beautiful, gold, sparkly, plastic pair of high-heels. I can hear the clip-clip-clip as we walk to the elevator, and I remember showing the shoes off to my grandma who was upstairs in the apartment.

My aunt and her family eventually moved out of Brooklyn to Long Island. We spent many a fun-filled weekend there, playing with my cousins and the other neighborhood kids. We loved my aunt, and knew she loved us. So it was only natural, when my father told us that he'd had an affair and that my parents were getting divorced, that I'd want to go be with Aunt Ilene.

Before my parents sat us down that June afternoon, we knew something strange was going on in our house. My mom had lost a lot of weight, and I worried that she was dying. When I found out why she lost the weight, I felt a great responsibility to be strong for her, and to be angry at my father on her behalf. I knew how much my mother loved me (a subject for a post of its own). But I knew I needed comforting, and I didn't feel I could ask that of her.

So my dad took me out to Suffolk county, and I spent a few days there, soaking in the love and hanging out. I'll never forget the first morning. My aunt had gone to the office, and called to check on me. She asked "what'd you have for breakfast?" When I answered "two Blow-pops," she responded "that's good." No- ohmygosh that's no good! You'd better eat something else! Just acceptance. And love.

I told both of these stories at my aunt's 60th birthday party this summer. I ended by saying that everyone needs an Aunt Ilene, who'll let them have Blow-pops for breakfast. The party was a surprise, and she was shocked to see my family and me there. I shared some memories that my sister emailed to me since she wasn't able to come to the party. I made it through my stories without tears, but couldn't read the last line of my sister's email through my tears.

This post inspired by today's post on Supersisters- a new blog by Jen Lemen and two of her equally amazing sisters.

Signs that the Apocalypse is Nigh or

at least that the tween and teen years will be scary:

Sam's teacher told the class that there is a foul odor in the room after PE, and could they all please start wearing deodorant. And so today I helped my first baby choose some deodorant. Yikes. Little sister had to have some too, of course.

Yesterday I locked the bedroom door when I needed a break from Maya. First she wailed and banged on the door. Then she was quiet, and I heard sort of scratching on the door. All of the sudden the door opened. She had unlocked the door with a barrette. She is six. Is climbing out windows to hang with friends far behind? This morning we talked a little about respecting personal space. I asked what made her think of trying to open the door. Apparently she saw it on iCarly. sigh.

On a more uplifting note, lately I have seen glimpses of my face in Maya's face. What do you think?


Sam drew this over the summer- Pac Man as Picasso would see him

Always lurking

When my grandmother was a young girl, her mother died suddenly. She was only 39, dead of a heart attack. Her father was an alcoholic, whenever she talks about him the adjective involved is usually 'jerk'. She bounced from foster home to foster home until she was 18, and could live on her own.

At 39 my grandmother had a nervous breakdown. She wouldn't leave the house; neighbors did the shopping and made sure the three children got to school. I know she was treated with medication, but I'm not sure what would have been used at that time (about 1959). My father was 13 years old and has no memory whatsoever of this time. My aunts, both younger than him, cannot believe he doesn't remember anything about this time in their lives. I asked my first therapist about it, and she felt it was totally normal for a boy of that age to have blocked the memory.

I don't know how long it took, but grandma did improve, and went on to live a very active life, despite the anxiety she lived with on a regular basis. She's always been busy, doing for others- baking, crafting, sewing, volunteering, caring for. I've always been in awe of her life of service, especially in light of her childhood.

I spoke to her last week; she often calls the office and knows she might catch my dad or me. She said she hadn't been feeling well lately. I thought she sounded stuffy so I asked if she'd had a cold. No, she said, I've been having terrible anxiety and panic attacks. She asked if I knew about her breakdown. She told me that when she was 39 she thought that she would die, since her mother died at 39. Recently more of her friends are dying, and she also heard from a friend whose daughter died after a long battle with cancer. She's feeling anxious about dying.

She did go see her doctor, and has found some relief from the medicines he prescribed her. I believe she's been on anti-anxiety medications for a very long time, but I don't know what she takes, and I don't know what the doctor gave her recently.

I vowed to myself that I would make sure to call her at least once a week. I spoke to her yesterday. She says she's coming along; she was going to have her hair done and then going to play mah jong, which she'd skipped last week. She still doesn't feel up to doing everything she usually does, but she's resisting the urge to hide out, and forcing herself to get out of the house and do things.

It breaks my heart that she's struggling so. I wish I could run up to NY and wrap my arms around her. She moved from San Diego back to NY, to be closer to family, about two years ago. She's been so happy. It's scary to know that anxiety can lay you low, even when you take care of yourself, even when you know you have anxiety. It can sneak up on you and leave you paralyzed before you even know what is happening. I don't think I've fully accepted that yet. I sort of have my fingers crossed that my current medication will last for a long time, that I'll continue to use and develop productive coping strategies, and never be laid low again. But that is probably just a dream.

It's going to be ok, grandma. You've beaten back this beast before, and I know you can do it again.

If I Twittered

I'd say

• swimmers are hot
• so are beach volleyball ladies
• hooray, school started Monday
• boo, day off for tropical storm fay
• hooray, they're back at school
• I have a lot of pictures to post on the other blog but haven't been on the computer as much lately
• why? Lots of books!
• husband has initiated some decluttering sessions- hooray hooray!
• marriage is hard
• so is parenting

Belated Thanks and things to be grateful for

Thank you, all of you, for your kind and dear comments. I know that I have friends in California, Oregon, Texas, Massachusetts, Spain, Australia, and more. I am truly grateful to all of you. I am going to try not to be so hard on myself- funny, isn't it, that I'm pretty good at not judging other people.

In reading your comments I realized that I have a hard time reading nice things about myself! And that because it makes me a little uncomfortable, I have delayed thanking some of you. My mother was very particular about sending thank you notes, so not thanking people for the beautiful things they've said about me makes me feel even more uncomfortable!

Thank you Bipolarlawyercook for posting about my photo blog, and for these kind words as well. It's hard for me to even read that second post, because posting empathetic comments is really important to me, and I totally blush knowing that you think I succeed at it. Being understood is so important to me, and I work hard at letting others know I understand them. Thank you.

Kiandra gave me an award. Again- so hard to read her wonderful words that are talking about me! Thank you!

When I had the chance to introduce myself to Suna I didn't- I was too shy/introverted/in awe of her. At that time I didn't know that she too is introverted and fights some of the same battles with her mind that I do. Thank you Suna for saying I make your day.

***

On July 22nd, my sister had her second little boy. He's just gorgeous from photos and Skype, and we here in FL might burst before we get to meet him in October. And his big brother is doing a great job being gentle.

***

One day I got to work early and noticed some flowers I'd never seen before.



I decided I'd take some pictures when I left for the day.



When I went to take the pictures, the flowers were gone!



They were back the next morning. These smartie Florida plants close up shop in the scorching heat, only sharing themselves during the relatively cool early hours.

Moooom, I Want To!

Maya wants a lot of things. She hasn't quite learned that we sometimes have to wait for the things we want.

On Tuesday she wanted to sew a skirt she'd gotten too tall for into a pocketbook. Even though I was not really excited about the idea of dragging out the machine, making space on the table, and sewing it, I was even less excited to endure a fit. So I got out the machine.

And? I had a good time. Easy peasy- no pattern, just wing it. Input from Maya on the pseudo-appliques on the front (she asked about embroidering something which would have taken me a few years probably and then said- hey! we can sew a shape on). So nice to sew, and so nice to be present with my kids.