Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Missed Opportunity and a Sad, Sad Heart

I said goodbye to someone today, someone I'd always hoped would become a good friend. She's been our amazing children's room librarian for the past few years. We'd talk and I'd find myself wishing I could ask her out for coffee or something. I'm just missing that friendship gene or something- I have no idea how to make that leap from acquaintance to friend.

I was a bit of a shrew this afternoon with the kids. I managed to cook some very yummy corn soup (a weight watchers recipe) before totally losing it and taking a xanax. I lay down to nurse my bruised heart; Erik came home. There were tears, a back rub and even a little bit of feeling better.

I feel sad that she won't be at the library when we visit. I'm sick that I never took the jump and invited her and her husband to dinner. I'm sad for friendships that I've had, but no longer have- like every close and meaningful friendship I ever had in college. Adding fuel to this nostalgic fire is a mix tape that a college friend made for me. Erik came across it tonight, and hearing it play I'm missing my friend Kurt, remembering the time we danced to Deee-Lite at Wigstock. I wonder what these old friends are up to, and because I can't help myself, wonder how lame my years since college would seem against the accomplishments I imagine they've filled their cv's with.

I really wanted to figure out this friends thing this summer. I wanted to have people over, couples I think my husband and I would both enjoy getting to know as more than "Maya and Sam's mom and dad." We have a few more weeks till school starts, and this weekend I am going to formulate a plan for at least one get together before then.

edited to add: there've been a few times this summer when I've read a blog post and just felt heartbroken. Usually when one blogger that I really admire and feel a kinship with mentions their friendship with another blogger that I really admire. I'm so jealous, wanting to be their friend so badly, wanting them to know how much their writing resonates with me. It's silly, and yet not silly. Where are my soul-sisters? Where's my tribe? And more often than not- what is wrong with me?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

baby steps back to blogging

We are home from the big road trip. Overall we had a great time, along with a few challenging moments. I have a zillion pictures to share, and I have all kinds of things I want to write. I haven't gotten switched from thinking about posting to posting. I read this meme on Krista's blog the other night and realized I'd enjoy looking back and that it would get me writing here again. So...

20 Years ago: I was 18. I'd graduated from high school and attended orientation at NYU. People I met that week were my friends all through college...wish I could say that I was still in touch with them. I also spent my first summer working at Great Gull Island, an island research station that changed my life.

15 Years ago: I was 23 and had moved Panama City, FL with Erik. It was the beginnning of a long, hard adjustment to life in Florida. I worked at Lechter's, a kitchen store at the mall.

10 Years ago: I was 28. We lived in Altamonte Springs, near Orlando, and were hoping a baby would be in our future. I think I got pregnant the next month! I was out of retail and had been working for my Dad for under a year.

5 Years ago: I was 33. We lived in our present home in a rural part of Florida, Sam was 4 and Maya was 1.5. We took a long, wonderful summer trip in California, which included a breastfeeding and parenting conference.

3 Years ago: I was 35. My sister had just returned to the States after living in Uzbekistan for a few years. She was due with her first baby. Our summer road trip was to Washington, DC, and we stayed with a good friend (along with a bunch of mutual good friends!) in her beautiful Georgetown home. My sister was staying there too. It was a fun time! And, yep, I went to a conference while there.

1 Year ago: I was 37 and freaking the heck out. I spent a lot of the summer in bed, depressed and anxious. I took the lactation boards (and passed). I went to Chicago for a conference.

Yesterday: I took the kids to their respective camps, went to the store, went to work, went to a different store, picked the kids up, and went home to exercise. I did a Walk Away the Pounds dvd- I'm officially middle aged.

Today I: brought the kids to camp and came to work. I plan to exercise this afternoon (going for 3 days in a row) and to do a crafty project of some sort with the kids.

Tomorrow I Will: work. Do something fun and creative with the kids. Go to a Weight Watchers meeting. Exercise.

In the next 5 years: I will pass the GRE, be accepted to a masters of public health program, finish the program, and find a meaningful, fulfilling job in the field. I will have one teenager (eek!) and one tween. I will go on adventures with my husband.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Fell off My Bike

Do you remember that moment when you learned to ride your bicycle when you realized you were actually doing it? And as you reveled in the air going through your hair you faltered just for a second and promptly fell on your head?

That's where I've been the past two weeks. June was great. Filled with a lot of fun stuff, maybe a little too full. I was handling things, staying positive, taking one day at a time instead of worrying about my month full of busy-ness, parenting in a way that is meaningful and important to me, and most of all cheering my switch to Zoloft. And then boom, I fell.

We did not spend an entire weekend at home in June, and we won't spend a single July weekend at home either. I think one of my keys to sanity is to have downtime at home. May was so busy with end of the school year activities and appointments; I was proud that instead of panicking 'how will I do it all' I just told myself to look no further than the day at hand. And it was fabulous. I felt so capable, so calm.

June brought Maya's dance recital (a wonderful, but long, long day), a trip to NY, a family birthday party to attend in Gainesville, and then July 4th with my in-laws. The laundry was piled up. Dishes were in the sink even though we were not home. The children, and everyone else for that matter, got on my nerves incessantly. Way too much yelling at the kids and arguing with Erik. Lots of eating anything that wasn't nailed down. I dreaded making the July 4th trip, being away from home, having to be social and cordial with others. Even my husband wondered if my medicine stopped working. I must have had a strange, faraway look on my face, as he doesn't always know when I'm feeling badly. Everything was just becoming too much.

I indulged in several naps on July 4th, and slept a bunch despite the various events we attended. When I woke up on the 5th things didn't seem as awful as they had the whole week had. The rest of the weekend was nice, and when we got home I started in on the mountain of laundry. I'm still feeling more irritated by little things than I'd like to be, the house is messier than I'd like (yep, dishes still in sink. At least they're different dishes than before.), but for the most part I feel like I've climbed my way out of this hole. We're heading out on a roadtrip on Saturday. I'm feeling ok about the packing.

I'm reminding myself to return to basics. To remember hope. To enjoy the small things. To let go of perfection.